OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN "HAD" ~~ HOODWINKED, BAMBOOZLED, FLEECED, HAD THE WOOL PULLED OVER MY EYES, SUCKER-PUNCHED BY A WOLF IN LAMB'S CLOTHING, SCAMMED !
So, I was floating around last night in a pool, at a hotel, in an unGodly-hot state, traveling for work, but taking a moment to think for me ~ 9 pm ~ facing up at the sky, staring down that North Star, seeing who would blink first ~ and this image, and emotion, of Munch's "The Scream" came to me. ~~ I blinked.
That moment hit when I realized, I HAVE BEEN HAD, MY FRIEND. Yep, hoodwinked. Relegated to nothing but a "California Relocation Service" in a tawdry tale of deceit. Oh, don't ask, I won't tell. The reality of it all is mundane, maudlin, and maddening. The important part is, that I realized this ~ there ~ supported by water, held up by constellations. And then I swam a few million laps ~ but I can't really swim, like say the adorable Michael Phelps ~ I more like shimmy through the water, just under the surface for about half the lap, then I come up for air and then backstroke for the second half of the lap. And you know how some people wear their emotions on their sleeve, while others suppress their emotions, but really the feelings are always bubbling just under the surface for them ~ either ready to explode at any moment, or destined to a sad life of mistakenly blissful ignorance? Well, it felt like that's where I went exploring last night ~ just below the surface. My version of a mountain-top piercing shriek, or primal therapy's "total body release of inner pain." The way my garbled thoughts and breathing sounded underwater, the way the heat felt breathing and pressing down on my face, giving in the weight of my torso to be supported only by some slight movements of my arms or legs ~ seeing what it feels like "just under the surface," then coming up for air and clarity. And so I finally realized.
I have been had. Well, I guess knowledge is power. But really, I wish I'd learned something useful, like how to drive a stick-shift. I know, I know, I'm usually so damn positive, right? Well, that pool was 10-feet deep and quite an intense metaphor. Ah well.
Who knows if I am aptly describing the moment ~ can I truly entrap vision, emotion, and redemption, in a cage of words? How do I wrap a ribbon of simple words around such a huge box of emotions? Maybe I already did. Who knows. Ai, this all reminds me of what Ernest Hemingway once wrote:
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.
Ah well ~~ the trip, the work, the eight client meetings in two days, the computer meltdown, the 3:00 a.m. wake-up call, the pick-up line at Kinko's, the 110-degrees heat in a black rental car with black leather interior? Oh yeah, that story soon.......