Today is D-Day at my firm ~ Pink Slip Friday, Round 1 of the Lay-Offs ~ one by one, employees are getting called into a partner's office to learn of their fate ~ and so I sit here, reading the same page of a trial transcript over and over and over, waiting to get my call, overhearing the murmurs of who's leaving, who's staying, and who doesn't know yet ~ and so I will post the following hilarious, amazing, brilliant story my sassy friend Guest Blogger Glo1 just sent to me.....ENJOY (and light a candle for me!):
i will start by telling you of thursday's activities, in precis form, so as not to take up your entire day. . . if you are me (on yesterday), your day will go thusly:
1. break tooth. this tooth is a six-year molar, and the SAME one you broke two or three years ago, that you hoped to never have to deal with again, aside from the regular brush-and-floss chores.
2. nervously consider calling "brad's" recommended dentist - (this only works if you are terrified of the dentist, as i am. you must be SO terrified that THINKING about CALLING the dentist brings you close to tears).
3. call the damn dentist. when the receptionist picks up, immediately begin babbling incoherently about having your teeth cleaned in july this year but that person was not a dentist who can do repairs, but instead a periodontist, but she did take x-rays, etc etc etc. mention that you have a broken tooth and dental insurance. tell her your boyfriend had some great reconstruction work done. tell her you also already had reconstruction done on this tooth, but weren't happy, and are even less so now that your tooth has decided to secede from the union of your other dentitions. keep talking until you run out of breath, repeating yourself unnecessarily and when you finally pause, begin hyperventilating, but quietly, so she won't think you are crazy.
4. when she asks your name, tell her "o'hara". don't explain why you haven't told her your first name. maybe she will think you are a coach. but when she asks your boyfriend's name, tell her his full name, "brad pitt". wait till she has finished gushing over how great he is before you tell her your first name, and then only say ginger. wait out the pause, and then tell her "that's my first name".
5. make the appointment for THAT DAY, so you will have less time to think about the fact that you are going to see a dentist, and that it will cost $900 or so. then remind yourself that you have a birthday coming up -- AS IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR!!
6. call your dad, because you are scared to go to the dentist. try to not let your voice shake, and DO NOT CRY as you tell him you are going to the dentist.
7. dive into work, only to realize fifteen minutes before your appointment that you have only fifteen minutes to get from LaSalle & Lake to Michigan & Washington, in your 2" wedge heels. do not consider a taxi.
8. arrive breathless and harried, hands shaking as you fill out the necessary forms. where it asks "how would you like to be addressed" next to your name, write "DUCHESS".
9. once in the chair talk, talk, talk too much. laugh in a brittle and shrill way; tell jokes. when the dentist asks if you are nervous, tell him you WERE, but the two shots of whiskey on the way over have REALLY taken the edge off.
10. put on headphones of office MP3 player, impressed that they offer this service to drown out the shrieking of the power drill only millimeters from your nerves. try to not think about the power drill only millimeters from your nerves. do NOT distract the dentist by crying. close your eyes, and instead obsess about your skin, about what you are certain is your bad breath, about how unflattering the office lighting is . . .
11. practically weep with relief as you write the ASTRONOMICAL check out for the work, and gaily make your next appt for the REAL crown, when the temp will be removed. imagine that this crown will be jewel-encrusted.
12. head to your hair cut, where you have also decided to let "Sally" finally do some haircolor -- something new and fun.
13. emerge from salon FOUR HOURS later, exhausted from the day. your first haircut went all right, but the haircolor procedure went wildly WRONG WRONG WRONG, and your hair was the unfortunate shade of tan-gray housepaint. second try leaves you with red red hair, more gold and bronze and darker than you imagined. but the haircut is now wrong for this haircolor, so you must undergo ANOTHER rinse to remove the hair product in order to have another haircut. solemnly swear to slap "matt damon" if he comments that you look like an aging rockstar, as he did on your last haircut.
well from there on out, it was an ordinary day.
see, so take comfort in your day. and i am praying that the only pink you see today is in bill (the cat's) little rough tongue when he commences his breakfast, and in your dainties, which make you feel girly and gorgeous! no slips of any kind on today!
1. All names have been changed to protect the innocent! ~ :)