Sensory Overload

application not required

It began as a simple business transaction.  I was selling something on Craig's List, he emailed to offer a lower price.  We went back and forth for over a week.  A time to meet was scheduled ~ a parking lot, then something came up, another time was planned, perhaps a coffee shop, then one of us was sick, then someone else offered more money, they never showed up, back to the beginning, the price he offered.  A bargain.

Ten days later or so ~ it turned into meeting for food, to exchange money for item ~ I was his guest at the warm cafe in a tiny gray strip mall.  Soothing green walls, full of framed photos Lisa has taken, and a game of Cricket silently playing out on the flat screen TV.  Surrounded by women in beautiful, bright Abaya dresses ~ huge almond-shaped eyes dark as night and a tiny heart-shaped face smiling at me from behind a chair ~ we sat in the middle of the cafe.  A warm and delicious sheezan club with fries and lots of chai to nurse the tiny hangover I was too embarrassed to let him notice.  So, rather than hide it, I whispered about it, guiltily looking around at the families; and we laughed.

Everyone who came into the cafe knew him, greeted us, looked deep into my eyes with a smile.  The husband-wife team who own the cafe gleaming brightly around us ~ two of the absolutely most beautiful people I have seen in a long time.  This place and these people, the closest thing he has to family; the only family he has here.  When he wanted more chai, he simply walked back into the kitchen to get it.

The reason for the meeting...money, the item ~ forgotten over pleasant conversation, shadowed slightly by nuances of darker truths.  But we laughed.

He glanced up, caught my eye, and quickly looked past me ~ his dark, somber eyes meeting the sunlight that had just peeked out over the gray clouds outside.

"It's like.....I wish to submit my application to you....for your friendship."

He waited.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I had come only to sell the item, then go home to continue packing.  The only thing that came naturally was a quick quip: "Well, that is a 10-page application, in triplicate....and a non-refundable application fee."

We laughed.

No other response necessary.  No application necessary.

But, then seriously, and sadly, I explained I am leaving ~ I have nothing to offer.  So much nothing, in fact, that I was surprised any one would ask for any of it.

Later, he would send a brief email, "hoping to be honored with my friendship."

The honor ~ was being asked.

Lost Souls Radio

In a time when the Presidential Radio Address has been replaced by the YouTube Video Address, and when you can download your favorite radio show to listen to on your computer at your leisure, the smoky, distant intimacy of a radio and my favorite radio voice still entrance me ~ seductive but safe, mysterious while somehow comforting, faceless yet so familiar.  Often, when I get pulled, or I sink, into a story being told to me, just to me, on the radio ~ I will look at it ~ look directly into the face of the radio telling me the story.  I catch myself doing that, like tonight; then, embarrassed, even though I'm alone, I look out at the tempting sky, with a sheepish grin, resting my very next breath on the very next word which will float up to my ear.

Tonight I got home and sat in the garage for 20 minutes, not wanting to miss a second of an interview with a funny, awkward, author ~ he was sweet even.  And I understood why an entire neighborhood of families during the Great Depression would crowd around that mysterious box, would stare expectantly into its center...and watch it....weave words of wonder.

I have nearly finished my second reading of Lost City Radio by Daniel Alarcón: "For 10 years, Norma has been the on-air voice of consolation and hope for the Indians in the mountains and the poor from the barrios -- a people broken by war's violence.  As the host of Lost City radio, she reads the names of those who have disappeared -- those whom the furiously expanding city has swallowed."

The book itself is a mystery to me.  It's not laugh-out-loud hilarious at a mile-a-minute as the one I read two months ago; and it's not as sleepily seductive or sadly poetic as the one I read after that; nor is it brimming with that type of complicated prose where you feel oh-so-smart just reading it and have to look up more than a dozen words to get through the damn thing.  So I ask myself, why this book?  It's so quiet most of the time ~ what's so OUTstanding about it?  What's so bloggingly brilliant about it? 

But somewhere inside I know.  I read it.  Again.  All  night.

Her voice was her greatest asset, her career and her fate.  Elmer called it gold that stank of empathy.  Before he disappeared, Rey claimed he fell in love again every time she said good morning.  You should have been a singer, he said, though she couldn't even carry a tune....She was a natural: she knew when to let her voice waver, when to linger on a word, what texts to tear through and read as if the words themselves were on fire.  The worst news she read softly, without urgency, as if it were poetry.
. . . . .

Hers was the most trusted and well-loved voice in the country, a phenomenon she herself couldn't explain.  Every Sunday night, for an hour, since the last year of the war, Norma took calls from people who imagined she had special powers, that she was mantic and all-seeing, able to pluck the lost, estranged, and missing from the moldering city.  Strangers addressed her by her first name and pleaded to be heard.  My brother, they'd say, left the village years ago to look for work in the city.  His name is... He lives in a district called...He wrote us letters and then the war began.  Norma would cut them off if they seemed determined to speak of the war.  It was always preferable to avoid unpleasant topics.  So instead she asked questions about the scent of their mother's cooking, or the sound of the wind keening through the valley.  The river, the color of the sky.  With her prodding, he callers revisited village life and all that had been left behind, inviting their lost people to remember them: Are you there, brother?  And Norma listened, and then repeated the names in her mellifluous voice, and the board would light up with calls, lonely red lights, people longing to be found.  Of course, some were impostors, and these were the saddest of all.
. . . . .

Of course, he'd heard Norma's voice before.  In 1797, the owner of the village's canteen had a good radio, with an antenna long enough to get a signal from the coast, and so, each Sunday, the women and the children and the remaining men crowded in to listen.  It was what they did instead of church.  They gathered an hour before to eat and drink and gossip.  Potatoes, mushy overripe fruit, and thin silver fish salted in broth.  Loud voices, the beginnings of a song.  They brought portraits of their missing, simple drawings that an itinerant artist had done years before.  They  hung these on the walls, rows of creased and smudged faces Victor didn't recognize, whose mute presence made the village seem even smaller.  Then, at eight o'clock, there was a hush, and static, and that unmistakable voice through the tinny speakers: Norma, to listen and heal them; Norma, mother to them all.

My cell phone rang while I was at work; I didn't recognize the number, only that it was from Houston.  I didn't want to answer.  They left a voice mail.  Then, it rang again ~ urgently ~ flashing "Mami - Cell" on the cracked purple screen. 

Mijita, she cried in my ear.  Why didn't you answer?  Te habló el Pastor!  Te quiere decir que nos hizo una oración ~ la ollíste?  Pón tu radio a "Radio Triunfo"!  Ándale.  La dirrección es: duble-v, duble-v, duble-v, punto, rrr-radio triunfo, punto, com, NO!, punto NET.

It was my mom, urging me to call "our Pastor" because he had led a prayer for us on his show, RADIO TRIUNFO.  My mom spelled out the URL for me in Spanish.  I tried to tell her that I don't believe; I can't; why would I?  How could I?  And besides, does God really listen to A.M. radio?  To Pentecostal Revival boleros?  (That's what is playing right now, as I listen on-line.)

Mija, she begs ~ Please ~ It's true she says.  She explains.  Papi has three tumors in his upper arm; he can barely even move his neck; he needs surgery to remove them.  I asked, again, if they have made an appointment to go to the hospital, not just to Dr. Diaz's office.  She tells me: But we went to Church, Sunday.  Ay mija ~ cantamos ~ oramos ~ nos dieron cena.  She used that sing-song voice, extending the second syllable for an extra beat; it always feels like a heartbeat to me, when we speak like that.  So, they prayed; they sang; they had dinner there.  He seemed to feel better after, less pain., she says.  MOM ~ por favor.  Surgery.  Please.  She changed the subject.

She begged me to call El Pastor.  I listened.  I shrank to the size of my 12-year old Self.  I mumbled, "sí, sí, sí," and hung up.  I told my co-worker.  She has two grown sons.  She gave me the Mom look.  I got up and scuffled to a private room, to call El Pastor.

Ay Mija, he shouted in Excited Radio Voice when I called.  I let him talk.  I listened.  I promised I would tune in, on-line.  He said that when he asked listeners to pray for me, the light-board lit up like fire ~ calls were flooding in.  I told myself I must have been the most popular sad story that day.  I thanked him.  I made promises. 

Because I do try to do, sometimes, what I promise people, I did go to his show on-line.  I will listen.  That's all ~ it won't kill me.  But will not believing as I listen kill me?  He asked me in Spanish, well, told me: You don't go to church do you?  ~ In order to "make up" for my not believing, I told him that I do go near a Church ~ when I volunteer at the shelter to serve food; they provide a service, "The Message," complete with a rather fantastic salsa-type band.  I hide in the shadow of the hallway connecting the ministry to the dining hall, and I listen before I go cut mold off the bread.  Is that close enough?

The only thing I remember now, of what he murmured to me, is: "En esta vida estas lista para dar, ó para recibir.  Necesitas, simplemente, recibir.  Gana tu fuerza, y luego puedes dar."  ~ In this life, you are ready to give, or to receive.  You need simply, to receive.  Regain your strength, and then you can give. 

Back in my office, my co-workers are listening to the radio.  On-line.  Streaming.  They each entered the contest for a trip for 4 to Hawaii or Disneyland.  They both said that if either of them wins, we will all go together.  I told them there is no way I will go to Disneyland; then they remind me I love the "It's a Small World" ride.  OK, I say.

They turn back to work, to the beat of the music.  They each listen intently. 

For their names.

waiting for someone to finish what a King began

How Obama Rewrote The Book
TIME MAGAZINE
By Nancy Gibbs
Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Some princes are born in palaces. Some are born in mangers. But a few are born in the imagination, out of scraps of history and hope. Barack Obama never talks about how people see him: I'm not the one making history, he said every chance he got. You are. Yet as he looked out Tuesday night through the bulletproof glass, in a park named for a Civil War general, he had to see the truth on people's faces. We are the ones we've been waiting for, he liked to say, but people were waiting for him, waiting for someone to finish what a King began.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible," declared the President-elect, "who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer."  (See pictures of Barack Obama's victory celebration in Chicago.)

Barack Hussein Obama did not win because of the color of his skin. Nor did he win in spite of it. He won because at a very dangerous moment in the life of a still young country, more people than have ever spoken before came together to try to save it. And that was a victory all its own.

free 'Yes We Did' stickers

Those emails from Nita Chaudhary are made for nerds like me (who, um, accidentally donated $45 tonight; do not donate while deprived of sleep!). 

MoveOn.org wants to say 'Thank You' by offering this free 'Yes We Did' sticker, designed by Shepard Fairey (who is famous for his very cool Obama 'Hope' poster). 

I completed my donation/purchase while I listened to will.i.am's new single, 'It's A New Day' [m4p], and after downloading/converting way too many videos from the BarackObama YouTube account(!)  (Nerd Alert, Level Orange).  

History ~

Reaction to GObama Victory ~ from Barackafeller Center, NYC, to Paris to the Philippines to Illinois to Indonesia to Israel:

favorite kinda book ~

~ ~ ~ from a friend [mp3]

validation is a 2-way street

 

We get all sorts of calls at our office ~ constituents want new laws, want to get rid of current laws, want help with potholes, with noisy neighbors, with pollution, with crime, with parking tickets, with parks, and everything in between.  Often, we help by simply listening ~ sometimes we can't offer tangible assistance, for example, to a tenant in federal housing, where we don't have jurisdiction.  It's frustrating for them, and for us.

But we can lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, or serve as a sounding board.  Often, not always, but often enough, the caller gives a sigh of relief, and says, "I know you can't really do anything about [X], but thank you for listening."

Never, ever, underestimate the value of the words, "Thank you for listening."

Today a caller said to me, "Yes, I want to know how my Councilmember wants me to vote on Proposition [XX]."  I explained to her that we can't really tell her HOW to vote, but I can answer all of her questions and give her all the information she feels she needs in order to make an informed decision.  She patiently listened to all of the information, the Pros and Cons, the relevant issues the City Council has addressed in previous votes, etc.  Then she said, "I thought Nancy was one of the most Progressive members of the Council...."  I said, "Oh ~ probably THE most progressive."

"So why are you being so wishy washy in telling me how to vote for this?"

We both laughed ~ and she let me be diplomatic by repeating that I can't tell her HOW to vote.....but I urged her to LISTEN TO ME, as we discussed the particular proposition. ~ :)

Then she asked me about another ballot measure.  She had her voter information pamphlet with her but she said there was no information about State Proposition [XX].  I asked her if she had access to the Internet, or had a computer at home.

She said no.

I asked her if she could come by City Hall, and I could print up the material for her.

She said she was house-bound.

I asked her if she would like me to mail her the material to her home address.

But she wanted to VOTE NOW ~ not to wait for the mailman.

So, I asked her which ballot measures she was still unsure of, and I told her I would read the information to her from SmartVoter.org.  She really wanted to make informed decisions about everything from the State Props. to the East Bay Municipal Utility District races(!).  I adored this woman!  I thanked her repeatedly for wanting to make informed votes, and she thanked me for reading everything to her.  I clicked through the various explanations of the Propositions, the Pros and Cons, I read lists of supporters and opponents to her, and I clicked on to other web sites when she asked me what other groups, such as the League of Women Voters, said about certain issues.

We discussed the Presidential race and whether she should vote for Obama, to contribute to "a huge mandate," or go ahead and voter for the Green Party, "since we have a little wiggle room and just to make a statement about those policies."  We talked about the Pros and Cons of each type of vote, and I told her I would leave that one entirely up to her.

After about 20-30 minutes, I had to go ~ but we were finished with her ballot and she was ready to mail it in.

"I feel very validated in my vote," she told me.

I feel very validated in Myself, I thought ~ wishing I could tell her.

She thanked me, I thanked her, we laughed, she promised to call again if she had any other questions.

Often, even always, we need that other person as much as they need us ~ if only to say, thank you for listening.

  

Don't Forget To Barack The Vote ~ !

I'm sure someone has already sent you the video, blaming you ~ but I crack up every time I watch mine,  especially when that little old lady cusses up a storm.

marinate on this

A few years ago, a new tenant moved into my apartment building.  She was super-friendly and funny, but in an awkward sort of way.  I just assumed she used humor to distract people from getting a good look at her hands ~ the middle and index fingers of each hand were missing, and the rest of each hand was so scarred it looked like perhaps she had survived a fire.  Then the landlord told me that she had some sort of illness or genetic disease, and so perhaps that's why her hands looked like that.  I never really thought about it ~ I mean, who am I to ask?  It's not my business.  So, I never asked and she never told me.

As I saw her more around the building, though, I realized she is a very expressive speaker ~ she waves those hands around wildly to tell a good story, even if that story is, "My first husband, no wait, my second husband drives the Ferraris."

Every once in a while, from her studio apartment two flights up, I would hear her wild laughter, or screaming matches with her "business partner, or maybe fiancé."  In the hall, she would stop me and talk my ear off about politics or perfume, the weather or her weltanschauung ~ sometimes her sentences were as erratic as the wild waving of her hands in front of my face.

Somehow, I assumed that the the state of her hands had something to do with her sometimes-strange behavior.  I never asked.

Today though, as I walked into the apartment building, she was walking out.  She asked me how I am doing, and something about the election.  I wasn't really paying attention because I was juggling two bags, and walking, and reading a book, and hurrying to get inside for the strawberry mochi I was craving.  Then she asked, "You know, I keep waiting to ask when I'm going to get to vote for you." ~~ I looked up.

In the past 3 or 4 years, I have had maybe 3 or 4 conversations with her ~ she knows where I work and what I do for a living, and around election time I include her in my usual "YOU MUST VOTE LIKE THIS" email rants recommendations.  I was just so struck by how much she feels she knows me, all contained in that one question.  All I could mutter was, "Well, when there is an election for wackiest neighbor in the neighborhood, you can vote for me then!"  She laughed and said she would beat me hands down.

I tried to keep walking inside but she said something about having just sent in her absentee ballot since she is registered in another county, "because of this," and she held up her hands.  I must have looked really confused because she asked me, "What, don't you know about this?  Remember ~ in 1999, I was carjacked and held hostage for 19 days and shot."

Um, NO ~ I think I would remember that.

I told her it had never occurred to me to ask "WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS?"  I thought that would be rude.  She waved away my embarrassment, and explained how  one day in 1999 she was delivering a new car to someone in the Bay Area, she took a wrong turn, and  carjackers pulled her out of the car.  She put her hands up and told them they could take it ~ but one guy pumped the 12-gauge shotgun and shot her at point-blank range ~ just as she crossed her hands in front of her face.  I didn't ask how they held her hostage if they shot her first. 

Then she showed me how she was shot.

YOU ~ right now, put both of your hands in front of you, palms down; now place your right hand over your left hand; and now raise both hands together in front of your face, at about nose-level.  She did that for me, and there was an almost perfect hole, the size of a 12-fuckin'-gauge shell, through her hands.

She said her hands and arms absorbed most of the shot ~ and then she made me feel in her left hand where so many of the pellets are still embedded.  You can't really tell, by looking at her face, that she was shot straight-on like that.  Her hands and arms, though, tell a different story.  When I realized that the shot pellets would have exploded into scores of burning embers, I understood why her arms looked like they had been in a fire.

Then she explained how they tried to rebuild her hands through skin grafts, but it required getting the palms of her hands surgically sewn to her hips, for the grafts to take.  She waved her left hand in the air, laughed, and said, "But I'm too animated for that!  I told them to only sew one hand to my hip!" 

She told me that she considered getting prosthetic hands ~ they would create a winter version and a summer version for her (lighter and darker skin), and could even add beauty marks and tiny little hairs, just like real hands.  "But I eat out A LOT," she explained, "and what if the prosthesis flew off at dinner!?"

And she laughed.

Then she said, "But I can still do this," ~ she put her hands up and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "Whadda ya gonna do?"

And with a big smile she told me, "And I can still marinate my steaks."

asked but not answered

"A lot of bands have something to say," explains TV On The Radio producer/multi-instrumentalist David Sitek. "We have something to ask." 

When I first heard Golden Age, off TVotR's Dear Science, album, I felt like it was the anthem to Election2008 ~ a nation at 'a twilight consciousness', stumbling out of the past 8 Bush Years, blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel, hoping it's not actually a train heading straight for us ~ as the song warns, "Like the sun spitting happiness into the hereafter ~ Oh here it comes like a natural disaster."

Apparently, I'm  not the only one who felt this way.  Nik Dirga over at BlogCritic, writes:  "They're still a band that thrives on tension, but this is also a pitch for global audiences. I don't know if TV On The Radio set out to create the soundtrack to the Bush years, but the push-and-pull of anxiety I get from their albums makes as good a background music as any. Acidic asides on the state of the nation — "I'm scared to death that I'm living a life not worth dying for," goes a line in "Red Dress" — blend with very personal dramas. TV on the Radio are nervous, but their fears make for some unforgettable sounds."

Jon Pareles adds: "There’s still a deep streak of dread on the new album. Its title, “Dear Science,” includes the comma because it was the salutation of a letter Mr. Sitek posted on the studio wall while the band was working on the album. Mr. Adebimpe said it was written “in a kind of kid’s handwriting on yellow notebook paper.” The letter was addressed to Science itself, demanding that it “fix all the things you’re talking about” or shut up."  Yup, that about sums up my feelings ~

I could go on and on trying to find the perfect permutation of adjectives to describe TVotR's music ~ moody-soulful-music-layered-under-heavy-elegiacal-lyrics meets heavy-afrobeat-rhythms-with-flowing-orchestral-sounds in a dark, smoky jazz club, they dance and talk all night, drink some 1970's David Bowie with chasers of Purple Rain and Thriller,  fall in love and end the night with a bang ~ ~ ~ "bells, timpani, marching drumbeats, saxophone, flutes, husky vocals and a guest appearance from Katrina Ford of Celebration."  But I'm not very good at expressing myself so you will have to listen to them for yourself, and see them on tour if you can.

It doesn't hurt that the guys are super smart and cool, too:

A high-rise apartment building is going up next door to Mr. Sitek’s studio. “They build one skyscraper, and skyscrapers get lonely,” Mr. Sitek said in his three-pack-a-day rasp, lighting up in the alley alongside his favorite Williamsburg club, Zebulon. “So then they call their friends and more skyscrapers come, and they throw a party. And the next thing you know there’s a skyscraper blogging about the skyscraper scene in Williamsburg.”

Early on, TV on the Radio benefited from the talent-spotting and reputation-building of the indie-rock blogosphere. But eventually the band felt typecast. “I’m done with cool,” Mr. Malone said. “I’ve been done with cool for years.”

gratia plena ~

~ because any two people in love are simply living a life of grace, and their personal decision to make their love and commitment public is a blessed event, and because who are we to tell anyone whom he or she may love and cherish until death do them part, and who are we to say 'No' when they ask for the State's or the Church's blessing . . . . .

The very talented John Raymond Barker, aka Jerby, produced this video ~ and I am very honored he included several of the photos I took of the Oakland June 17th weddings.  [It's better in high-quality [mp4].]

And if you live in California, you really don't have to think twice about voting no on Prop. 8, right?

parlez-vous chester french ~?

They are not French, nor are they sculptors.  They are Harvard Hipsters ~ Chester French. 

They took their name from Daniel Chester French, the American sculptor whose best-known work is the sculpture of a seated Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

I like "She Loves Everybody" ~ it's catchy and quirky ~ reminds me of Helio Sequence a little.  "People" is poppy-fun ~ the light lyrics reminds of "Homies" by "The Sympathetics".

Thanks to the oh! how lovely Jamie for pointing out these two cuties are on tour ~ November 17-24 throughout California.

sensory overload

1 am ~ feeling the full effects of the recent events, stresses, thoughts, mile-long and unfinished to-do lists, all amidst this Depression2.0 and crumbling financial institutions (hopefully my creditors will go out of business!).

In honor of my unfinished to-do list, I can only think in bullets right now.  Current sensory overload contributors, in no particular order, although #1 is the most worrisome:

• Received short email from my little brother Rudy Monday afternoon.  He also is so busy it was mostly a forwarded message, confirming his next assignment.  Six to 12 months in Afghanistan; and he ships out Thursday afternoon, from Dallas.  He was in D.C. when he received the email, had to be in Austin the next day, Fort Hood Wednesday morning, and Dallas Wednesday afternoon.  I freak out and call him; explain that this is not the way to handle his current family crisis.  He points out that Iraq (he spent a year in Baghdad '06-'07) was/is 10x safer than Afghanistan.  Yes, I know.  He was hoping for the "easiest" of the assignments: Djibouti.  Now that's Arrona-style; make the crisis better by doing something harder.  I dropped everything at work to book a flight to Dallas.  
• Last-minute flights half-way across the country are not cheap, not even affordable.  Ruby, my savior, gave me one of her Southwest credits, which eased the pain on my bank account, which has worries of its own anyway since it's at WaMu. 
• I will be out of the office for 3 days; my boss pointed out all of the policy issues piling up on my desk.
• Realizing I have at least three Ordinances to research and draft by December.
• Attending the Mayor's Budget Conference.  Five-day shutdown between Christmas and New Year's, without pay.  Bah humbug.  Sorry mami, no "Channel" for you this Christmas.
• Not only do we get Christmas without pay, but no cost of living increase, either.
• Which would be ok (PBJ sandwiches are pretty tasty) if the salt in the wounds isn't a City Hall shut-down every other Friday, or, a 20% pay-cut.  On top of no Christmas.  On top of no COLA.  I figure I will have to start paying City Hall just to show up and work.
• Realizing I only have a few months left before Everything Changes,  if it changes, before I leave City Hall, leave Oakland; existential suicide someone called it.
• Getting an email from my Afghanistan research guy in L.A., saying, "Will we get to see your brother when we're there?" 
• Realizing it's 1 am and there is ajax all over my bathtub.  I have to clean; it was embarrassing.  But I will be out of town you point out.  Yes, but neighbors will be in and out, checking in on Bill and I will be mortified if they see this mess.  It's my thing; move on.
• Three jobs.  Working until 2 am every night.
• Taking work, from all 3 jobs, with me on the trip.
• Realizing it's 1 am and my laundry is still downstairs.  Still need to pack.  Oy.
• Getting my laundry and realizing it's still damp.  Wondering if that cute skirt will dry by 6 am.

But the Good News:

• Realizing I have three Ordinances to draft by December ~ at least I will leave a little bit more of a pseudo-legacy, for better or worse.  But it does feel amazing to have your name attached to a law.  Nerd-alert.
• After the family time in Dallas, I will drive to Austin to finally meet up with La Ruby.  I can't wait, can't wait.  Her name is my birthstone and it shows.  She is wonderful.
• The new lens for my camera.  Beyond my "photo" abilities but hopefully I will learn.
• New eye glasses.  I found the frames by accident at the "Sundry Store" across the street for $5.99!  Then just had my optician add the lenses.  Similar frames, from Sean John and Versace and Revlon (!), cost $150 to $200 at the optical place.  Cheap Frugal is Fun.
• My mom's kooky, adorable phone calls.  I spoke with her last Sunday; they were on DAY 8 of no water and no electricity due to Hurricane Ike.  She sounded so happy because she told me about the milanesa *deliciosa* she had cooked the night before, with arroz y frijoles y una salsitia buenísima, híjole ~ all by the tiny glow of a little lamp. attached to a generator she was hoping would not burn out  Thank goodness they have a gas stove.  She explained how she has just been staying indoors eating.  "Ay!" she explained, "I have to get back on my eating plan.......Ay, pero mari, que riquísima la milanesa...luego, luego paro de comer."  I asked her what they do without water.  She laughed and explained that when my dad needs to go to the bathroom he says, "Voy al baño ~ I go outside."  She laughed and said "Es funny."  I love that.  Here are some other Arrona-ismos we have:
  • Ay, eso es bad manners!
  • Que dumb.
  • Que nice.
  • Estoy aquí watcheando el Tiger Woods.  [My dad loves Tiger Woods.]
    
• She explained the back yard was still filled with the downed trees, the downed fence, and tree-limb chaos.  Then she opened the door and said, "Oye, oye ~ los pajaritos. Que lindos verdad?  Cada día me cantan a esta hora."  Even with no water, no electricity, a mess to clean up, and tenants to help with hurricane repairs, she was waxing poetic about the song birds outside, that sing to her every day at that hour.  How does she do it?
• Now going to sleep, about 1/2 an hour early.  Beauty sleep much needed.
• Having this song stuck in my head for many months, and Lovin' Kanye with the lovely Estelle, who sings like she just woke up from a nap:

How rude and selfish of me ~ and how are you doing?

spider sensibility

I noticed a spider

silently
propelling itself from its web on the ceiling
down down down
to the pile of dirty dishes
I was about to wash.
I don't mind spiders,
even when they are inches from my face
~ they're nature's architects, you know.
So, I stood still
and let it pass,
down down down

to the floor
scurrying,
on its way to another dark corner ~
'to weave what? and where?' I wondered.

I looked down
and quietly started
washing the dishes,
random thoughts trapped
in the waxy web still clinging to the ceiling.

 

Thank you Shoonyata, for helping me remember my evening in these words.  It's not much, but it'll do.

And thank you RJEvans, for your enchanting and enlightening words and photographs, describing the architecture of arachnids and the wonder of the webs they weave.

And thank you especially to the very talented Automania/Mike and booleansplit/Robert for their beautiful photographs.

Tonight was a strange series of dominoes falling.

And so I leave you with some wonderful quotes from a wonderful story ~ Charlotte's Web ~ because everyone should have a Charlotte in their lives.

Wilbur: I think you're beautiful.
Charlotte: Well, I am pretty. Nearly all spiders are good looking. I'm not as flashy as some, but I'll do.

Wilbur: Are you writers?
Charlotte's daughters: No, but we will be when we grow up.
Wilbur: Then write this in your webs, when you learn: This hallowed doorway was once the home of Charlotte. She was brilliant, beautiful, and loyal to the end. Her memory will be treasured forever.
Charlotte's daughters: Ooh, that would take us a lifetime.
Wilbur: A lifetime. That's what we have.

Charlotte: Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

now that's old school

I like old stuff. I fell in love with my apartment building because it was built in 1928, and it shows ~ it wears its age proudly. My mom freaked out when she saw the place (it needed a lot of work and I got upset and told her she had "no vision").  I put the TV in a cabinet in the nook where the Murphy Bed used to be. I didn't let my landlords "remodel" my kitchen to add Italian tile and glossy black counters; I prefer the old built-in cabinets with glass doors. My dining set and the furniture in my bedroom, I  found in old shoppes and antique/vintage stores in the Mission. I refuse to buy a new car or even a gently-used car, so I recently had my car ('93) painted (for a bargain), because I know it will last me another 5 years or so ~ my sister bought it in 1992. Those Nissan Maximas will not let you down.  It now looks like a brand new car.  I should get it all souped-up, like Rahul.

So, when I signed up to volunteer a weekend or two for the Obama campaign in Reno, Nevada, I decided to find an old hotel or motel ~ to avoid "Your All-New Atlantis Rediscovered Casino Resort and Spa" and the "Silver Legacy Resort and Casino, featuring Ted Nugent" and the (very nice looking) "Siena Hotel Spa Casino".

Somehow, through a series of random clicks on the internet, I stumbled upon a brief mention of the Hotel El Cortez. The one and only review I found noted, "The elevator alone is an adventure by itself".  I had to know more. But pages and pages of Google search results yielded nothing, except a brief description at the National Park Service, noting the hotel's historic status:

Built in 1931, El Cortez Hotel is one of only three remaining major Art Deco buildings in Reno, and is an excellent example of this style. The foliated motif found on the terra cotta design on the building's base and parapet are remarkable Art Deco details. At the time it was built, it was Reno's tallest building. The hotel experienced such extensive use early on that an addition was built just a few years after its construction. The hotel included the Orchid Room, a swanky bar and a popular restaurant called the Tracedero Room. These rooms were elegantly appointed with stylish Art Deco ornamentation. The El Cortez was a high-class hotel, garnering an astounding $6 per night, compared to the prevailing room rate of $2.50 per night. The El Cortez was built in anticipation of increased divorce traffic after Reno's divorce law was liberalized in 1931.

I had to stay there.  I have never been to Reno before, so my first encounter with the "Biggest Little City in the World" and the birthplace of the gaming corporation Harrah's Entertainment just has to feature some semi-vintagey-fun experience.  So, I immediately called the hotel to ask about their URL address, to reserve a room.  After about 15 rings (I'm persistent), "Ervin" answered the phone and schooled me on the ways of the Hotel El Cortez.

Me: [All eager and chirpy.]  Hi there ~ what's your web site address?
Ervin: [All cool and calm, but super-nice.]  Oh, we don't have a website.
Me: Oh.  OK, if I want to reserve a room, can I just do that now, with you?
Ervin: Oh, we don't take reservations.  It's first-come, first-serve.
Me: Ok.  So, what are your rates?
Ervin: Well, Sunday night through Thursday, it's $27 per night, plus tax, and a $5 key deposit.  But you get the key deposit back when you check out.
Me: What about a Friday night and Saturday night?
Ervin: Oh.  Those rates are different.  It'll be $31 a night, plus tax ~ so, about $35.
Me: Um, THAT IS GREAT! (Well, I tried not to sound too excited.)  OK.  Do you have rooms with two double beds?
Ervin: Oh.  We don't have rooms with two beds.  But the beds in the rooms are double-size.
Me:  Super.  OK, if I show up on a Friday night, what're the odds of my getting a room?
Ervin: Pretty good.
Me: OK, so maybe I should show up Friday afternoon instead, to play it safe, huh?
Ervin: What you can do, is call us about a week before you get here.
Me: To what?
Ervin: To see how things look.
Me: [Wondering, if they don't take reservations, how will they know what to expect?]  Super.  See you then!

Ervin sounded cool.  And old.  I can't wait to see him.

So, I will leave work around noon, get there around 4, get the room, and then "see the sights" before I go to the campaign training.

I can't wait.

This is the only really good photo I could find, on Flickr, thanks to the talented Patrick Boury:

 

Hurricane Ike ~ and a drop of Houston Humor

President Eisenhower was born in Texas, and now his namesake Hurricane is heading straight for my Lone Star State, expected to hit my hometown of Houston, around 2 am Saturday.

My brother, his wife, and toddler, are in the evacuation zone so they are packing up, to drive further inland and to higher ground: my parents' house.  My brother told me, "We'll bring a few gas generators and movies, and make a nice weekend out of it!"  He is clearly the "glass is half-full" representative in the family. 

We often use humor in our family to get through stressful situations.  Hurricanes are no joke ~ even if your home can withstand the 80-120 mph winds, as you huddle inside in total darkness, plywood boards providing a thin layer of safety against shattering glass ~ they whip up tornadoes, deadly storm surges at the coastline, and flash flooding.  Every time my parent's house has flooded, they watch from upstairs, candles and flashlights in hand, waiting for the storm to pass.  A few days later, the sun is out, the lights are back on, you step outside and avoid the snakes that have washed up into your yard, and you begin the clean-up ~ my parents always joke that it's as good a time as any to remodel.

But, watching the news, I begin to worry because this one is pretty massive ~ and they predict it will only strengthen before landfall.  So, I call my mom to check in.

I ask her how the emergency prep is going.  She sounds so calm, as if she is fitting in the hurricane between breakfast and dinner.  My dad is out getting the generator and the windows have been boarded up.  She will wait for my brother and his family.  I ask her if she has plenty of food and if she knows what she will cook before the lights go out.  "Oh yes ~ but they're vegetarians ~ can you believe it?!"  In Spanish it was much, much funnier.  Then she mumbled, "Yo no tengo tantos vegetales."  She's right, aside from green bell peppers for chiles rellenos,  there are rarely many vegetables in the house (except for all the canned ones in the pantry).  Did you know that before I moved to California, I had never seen fresh eggplant, or an artichoke, or fresh green beans?! ~ But that is another story.... 

So, I asked mami what vegetarian dish she planned to prepare.  "Chicken Salad." . . . . . 

Yes, in Texas, "vegetarian" simply means you don't eat blood-read meat ~ this is nearly a sin in Texas!  She added, though, that she will make her delicious ensalada de papa and arroz.  "But what else will they eat?!" I ask.  Then I add, "how about scrambled eggs?"  ~ "Ai, si!  Con weeneetos!"  ~ Yes, she means eggs with little weenies, I mean sausages.  Love.  Her.

I ask her if she can make her famous entomatadas or simply cheese enchiladas, but she says she doesn't have the ingredients.  So, I tell her to hurry up and get out to Food Town! 

"But the stores are empty!" she explains.  "I can't even find bread!  I'm going to have to buy wheat bread!"  Love.  Her.  And it was funnier in Spanish.

So, I will call them throughout the weekend to see how they are holding up ~ with the family lockdown and the hurricane!

Now I will go home to light a candle for Texas, my family, and friends, and to reminisce about my Wonder Bread childhood. ~ :)

 

P.S. ~ I just found out that my brother's family started eating chicken last month, so everything will be A-OK ! ~ :-)

mi mami, mi musa

Sometimes, if you pay attention, you remember that your Muse is that fire and those memories that gave birth to you.  The Greeks called her Mnemosyne; I call her, mami.

A picture is worth a thousand words ~ a thousand moments. ~~~ This is what every moment, any amount of time with my mami, looks like:

[Note how my dad (as usual) is pretending to ignore them, but can't resist a sly, embarrassed grin.]

Today is my mom's birthday.  This morning around 3 am, when I went to sleep, I set the alarm for 6 am, so I could call her at 8, her time.  She answered the phone on the first ring and asked, "Que pasó mami, te callíste de la cama?"

Harummph.  Apparently, mami remembers I am not a morning person ~ she asked me if I had fallen out of the bed and so called her for help.  That's how conversations begin and end with mami ~ she makes you giggle, sometimes squeal with laughter.

Earlier in the week, I called her, to play our typical phone game of "what gift do you want," where she says first, "Oh, just you!" then "Ay, just your love!" then "A million hugs!"  And, true to our ritual, I have to remind her that I cannot buy those things on the internet, not even on sale, not even on eBay.  So she finally said to me, in a grand, dramatic sweep of her voice, "Ay! Quiero oler como tú! Que rrrrr-eeeeee-co siempre hueles mami!"

So, she wants to smell like me ~ she loves the perfume I wear.  [Every time I am around her, when I hug her, she will squeeze me tightly and *exclaim*, "Ay! Que deee-veee-noh hueles!"  Every. Time. She. Hugs. Me. (Or any of her kids.)  She is very dramatic.]

So, I ordered the perfume on-line and had it shipped to her.  She called me two days later to let me know the package had arrived.  Well, she explained, she wasn't sure if the box was from me because it wasn't my name and address in the upper left-hand corner(!).  I smiled and reminded her, "That's right, because I ordered the gift for you ~ the manufacturer had to send it to you!"  She said, "Oh yes; I see now.  It says 'Channel' right here in the corner."  [Yes, she said 'channel' as in TV.  But I think we all know what she means, right?]

"Well, can I open it?  My birthday isn't until Saturday." ~ She is so cute.  She wants me to beg her to open it, to make even the act of opening the box fun and special and sweet and a ritual.  So I begged her to open the damn gift.  But then she suddenly noted, "Oye mija, esto llegó FedEx!  Pagáste extra!?"  She got sidetracked wondering if I paid extra for FedEx delivery!  I told her NO, and she said, "Good, because you know, I always say, you should never pay extra because a lot of times, it gets delivered really fast anyway."  This no longer drives me crazy ~ I love it ~ it makes me smile ~ I let her give me her 'no pay extra' speech, then I say, "OK, now please open the gift!"

So, I hear her open the outer box and when she sees the box inside, wrapped (apparently) very extravagantly and in pink ribbon, she *exclaims* (as she is wont to do), "Ay Mari!  Que leeen-do lo envolvieron! Armando! Ven a ver!" ~ She loved even just the wrapping paper and ribbon, and even yelled for my father to "come see!"  She did not want to disturb the beautiful wrapping before someone else could appreciate it with her.

Finally, somehow, she reached the actual gift ~ although my mom makes *every* part of *every* thing 'the gift'.  I think this is her gift to the world ~ to me ~ to how I in turn want to do things: to make every part of every one, and every thing, a gift.  Some people call this the "drama queen" in me ~ I wish I could explain to them where it comes from, and how I get overwhelmed with each of the beautiful parts of a beautiful thing or person (and, conversely, overwhelmed with all of the ugly elements of something terrible).

~  ~  ~

So, this morning, I asked her if she was wearing her Chanel 'Chance'.  Claro, she said ~ she was on her way out and she likes to be 'perfumadita'.  Then she asked me how a friend from college is doing and, since I love my mom's hilarious puns (or, more accurately, the types of lost-in-translation moments I love), I have to tell you, quickly, how the story of this person's nickname stuck:

Years ago, I was telling my mom about this friend I had just met in school.  She asked me what his name was, so I told her: 'Britt'.  Without missing a beat, she asked, "Qué ~ como BREAD?" ~ I howled with laughter, and, with giggles in the shape of tears streaming down my face, I exclaimed, "Ay mami!  No BREAD ~ es BRITT; como se va llamar PAN !?! [Why would his name be Bread?!]"  And to this day she asks me, "Como 'sta el pan? [How's the Bread?]"

    [Which is perfect because mi pana, or my bread, means friend in some countries.]

So, that's how we started our conversation this morning, at the ungodly hour of 6 am.  Believe me, I am rarely laughing that much at 6 am.  Then, somehow we started talking about men ~ my mom and I were having girl talk(!).  And she told me the story, which I never knew before, of the first man who proposed to her ~ when she was 15 and he was 25.  I screamed, "25!?  Qué ESCÁNDALO Isabel!"  She laughed and said, "Ay mari, qué dramática eres!" ~  [Now, remember the year and small town here, ok?  In her day, there was nothing salacious about this age difference, or about an older man asking for the hand of a 15-year-old in marriage.]

And so she began telling me....I sat up in bed to listen. 

[Here, I have to apologize in advance for the length of this post.  I hope you make it to the end, because it's fun-ny in places, and sweet. ;-D.]

~  ~  ~

My mom explained that she did not know that my Abuelito was actually not her biological father until she was 12 years old.  (Remember, my Abuelita gave birth to my mom out of wedlock, and then married my Abuelito two years after.)  When my mom was 12, she had to present her birth certificate to her school to get her diploma and move up to la secundaria.  She noted that her birth certificate listed her last name as 'Lopez', not 'Casas'.  She said that at school later, all of her friends asked her, "Why aren't you Casas anymore?  Why are you Lopez now?"  Apparently, though, my Abuelito had been very good, if strict, with my mom ~ as good to her as he had been to his biological children.  So, she says she "made a secret promise" to herself that she would not leave her parents until she did everything she could to help them put the other three kids through school.  My Abuelito at the time earned only 200 pesos per week, for a family of 6.

So, at the age of 13, my mom entered high school but she also worked in a market and as a nanny/housekeeper for a family and she did everything she could around the house to help her parents (clean, cook, iron, babysit).  [Remember our family motto: No Lazy Mon Here.]

When she turned 15, her father told her she could go out on Sundays, after finishing all of her chores.  He asked her if she wanted to go to Church, to the Movies, or to the Dance.  Ha!  She ain't no fool!  She wanted to cut a rug!  (Or, well, some sandy dirt, since the Dance was held every Sunday in the Plaza in Valle Hermoso, where they lived).  BUT, my mother explained to me, she could only go to the dance from 8 to 10 pm(!)  "Ha!" she told me, "things didn't get good until 10 pm!  But I went anyway ~ except your Abuelito made my Tio Toño accompany me as my chaperone."

She said all the other girls from families with more money wore beautiful organza dresses, which were all the rage back then, but my mom told me, "All I had were the '3-yards-for-a-dollar' dresses that a friend would make for me."  So, my mom, in her simple dress, noticed this very handsome man sitting at a table in a crisp white shirt and a tie ~ with his suit jacket draped over the back of his chair.  My mom said he stood out because all the other men were "Rancheritos" in their cowboy hats and boots.  So she really liked this guy: Antonio.  As it were, Antonio was immediately smitten with my mom ~ she explains what may have caught his eye, "Ay mija ~ qué preciosa era tu mamá en su joventud!" 

So, for months and months, they would only see each other in the Plaza, on Sundays from 8 pm to 10 pm, in public, to dance.  That's it.  Every week my mom's girlfriends would tell her, "Ay, you are so lucky!  Antonio arrives at the Plaza just before 8 pm, dances only with you, has eyes only for you, and leaves right at 10 pm, after you do."  And, my mom told me, "he came from a good family, he wore smart suits, era educado, and he was even already a CPA at a bank(!)"  More importantly, though, my mami explained, is the way he placed his hand on the small of her back, the way he looked at her, the way he made her feel like she was the only person on earth he could see, the delicate manner in which he treated her  ~ 'esos detalles pequeños, tan importantes'.  I told her that I know exactly what she means. 

Now, she had other suitors, my mom.  She told me about the young man who owned the liquor store in her neighborhood.  He would always stand in the doorway and admire her as she walked by, or while they talked.  My mom considered him as a suitor, momentarily, because, well, "Mira, tenia su propio negocio."  He would be a good provider, since he had his own shop.  But, she noticed he "hung around" the door a lot, and realized his nickname was 'Changuito'.

Then, there was the 15 or 16 year old boy who always hung out in the market where she worked, sipping soda, reading magazines, trying to chat her up.  But, she pointed out, "Era nalgón!  Y, tenía braces!"  Later she found out this kid was Antonio's brother.  She said to me on the phone, "How could ese chaparrito nalgoncito be related to the tall, debonair Antonio!?"  Man, she is harsh!

Well, Antonio could not wait forever.  He "was getting old" and wanted to make my mami his bride.  So, one day he visited my mom's house, to speak with her parents ~ unannounced.  My mom says she was in the hallway, hiding, dying of embarrassment because they were so poor ~ she was whispering to the universe, "Trágame Tierra!"  Really.  She is so dramática.  She was asking the Earth to just open up and swallow her, because she was so mortified that Antonio had seen how poor they were.  My mother could not hear what he told her parents.

My Abuelita then went to my mom's room and told her, "Mira hija, este joven dice que debemos abrir una cuenta en su banco." (!!!)  He said he was there to see if my grandparents wanted to open an account at his bank!  My mom's response?  "But we don't have any money!" 

~ Oh my gosh, at this point in our telephone conversation, my mom and I are screaming with laughter and love and melancholy and memory ~ my neighbors were probably wondering what was wrong with me, since I am *never* up at 6 am (not even for work!).

After my grandparents politely declined the free checking account offer, Antonio saw my mom, in the hallway, frozen in fear and pale as a ghost.  He knew she was freaking out.  He walked over to her and said, "Don't be afraid of why I am here.  I want to marry you."  [Swoon.]  But, she explained to Antonio that she could not marry him, or anyone, because she had to take care of her family.  And so Antonio left, and my mother continued to help support her family.

Since she had been born in Texas and was a U.S. citizen, she moved across the border, to Brownsville, to work in the cotton fields.  [My gosh that is backbreaking work!]  She told me she was paid $17.  "Per day?!?" I asked.  "No, per week!" she explained.  After a while, she found out she could earn about the same amount of money as a housekeeper, through the Day Laborer Temp-Type Agency.  She said each day she was assigned to a different home, but the work was almost as awful as the cotton fields: "Ay!  Those people would save up all of their ironing for a month and then make me press it all in one day!  Me tenían como bruta!"  But, she says, she was very, very good at ironing and cleaning.   So good, sadly, that she thought she was not capable of doing anything else. 

One day, at the 'Temp Agency', they told her she should go to school, or would get sent to school.  NO, she told them ~ she had to work and send money home.  Only much later did she realize that what they meant was that she could get paid to go to school.  "No me informé," she tells me.  Attending school would have earned her the same salary as ironing clothes(!).  Later, she moved back home where she found a job as a secretary en un taller.  One day, the wife of the owner asked my mom to iron their clothes, as part of her job duties(!).  Well, my mom excelled at ironing ~ so it is no surprise they took her off the desk and put her in front of an ironing board.  She did leave the taller, though ~ only to go work the grave yard shift across the border, at the shrimp factory.

A few years later, after one of her sisters had gotten married, and her other sister was in college, and her two brothers were old enough to know better, my mom decided she could finally leave home.  They had moved to Matamoros a few years earlier, and she had noticed my dad noticing her in the neighborhood where they lived, 'en la 10 de mayo'.  They got married ~ and the rest is history. 

~  ~  ~

And that, explains my mom to me, is how she ended up with only a high-school education, but with stellar household skills, exceptional resilience to hard labor, and an appreciation of that skill that even the poorest of families valued: ironing ~ everything pressed, prim and proper, from clothes to curtains to lace to linens.  So ingrained in her is the importance of ironing, that I have images of her ironing my father's undershirts when we were very poor and lived in the Northside of Houston.  The bleached and pressed shirts were important to my father: they represented the debonair white collar man he was underneath his blue collar exterior, drenched in sweat from working every day on construction sites, in the blistering Texas sun.  For my mom, it was a display of her absolute perfect ironing ~ really, you should see her work.  She tells me that when I was about 8 or 10, I would watch her, in awe, as she ironed my father's undershirts, then folded each one carefully and piled them into a perfect square tower of white cotton.  I wanted to iron like she did, I wanted to impress my father, I wanted to help the family like she did.  So, one day she said to me, "OK ~ here you go."  She let me stand on a little box to reach the ironing board, and so I began my ironing apprenticeship with her.

~  ~  ~

Only this morning on the phone did I realize just HOW vital that seemingly unimportant skill is to my mother: it represents how she helped support her family, and bring them all to Texas to obtain their citizenship.  To her, it represents her "only skill" since she never went to college.  And, it represents the best way she knows how to care for us ~ to always be the best at what she does best, and in so doing, help her family look their best.

Really ~ the simple act of ironing (and her pride in it), over a lifetime, is like the superficial anatomy that shields her heart and soul from everything she feels she didn't accomplish.  And now I understand, for the first time, why she chastised us so harshly for not doing those things well enough when we were kids ~ we always complained that when we wanted to help her clean or wanted to iron our own clothes, she would yell at us for not doing it right.

Well, she didn't want us to be good at it.  We had other, bigger things to excel at ~ study, travel, language.  And, too, she felt she had some skill to assert, something that only she was good at, better than us at doing it.  We just never saw it that way.

Now I do. 

People make fun of me because I always want to iron my clothes, even if it's a pair of jeans or casual t-shirt ~ my nickname in law school was 'La Planchadita'.  But I cried this morning when I hung up the phone, after my mom said, "I love you ~ talk soon".  I cried because I finally understand some deep, profound element of her being ~ as silly as it all may sound to you ~ and because I don't care now if you make fun of my ironing ~ ~  because every single time the burst of steam hits my face, I think of my mom ~ and her lifetime of ironing, and her lifetime of helping me straighten out my own life.

Y pues, Feliz Cumpleaños a mi mamá ~ con todo mi amor,
en total asombro de su fortaleza, y en aprecio total de ella, exactamente como es.  (Planchadita!)

on angels

What is it you want Mary?  What do you want?  You want the moon?  Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.  Hey.  That's a pretty good idea.  I'll give you the moon.
    ~ George Bailey, It's a Wonderful Life.

S. died today.  B. was with him every step of the way.  Until the very end.

And only for them do I want to open up this little book again, just this once perhaps, and remember the adoration I feel for them ~ my awe at the strength of them both.  Or perhaps, this is a better way to end this chapter ~ with the strength of S. and the love and loyalty of B.

~  ~  ~  ~

B. woke up this morning knowing he had to tell S. there was nothing more to be done ~ he spent the day saying goodbye to his friend, his mentor, his business partner, his second father.  What would I think, feel, say ~ if my closest friend told me I would die today?

I did not meet S. ~ I knew him only through the stories B. told me ~ the spark in his eyes when he talked about S., the years B. spent learning his art from S., the determination in B.'s voice as he told me the plan ~ the plan to help S. fight the cancer that was invading his body.  But today the fight ended ~ anything to be done would end the same ~ we would lose S.

~  ~  ~  ~

In the weeks B. had spent arranging my meetings in Los Angeles, I never knew that, in between all of our emails and conversations, he was shuttling back and forth between the hospital, work, meetings with doctors, phone calls, research, surgery, chemo ~ taking care of S. ~ and me, too. 

I woke up that morning at 5 am to pack.  One last email check, one final cruel cut, and I died one final death.  I opened the door.  I walked out.  I paid the cab driver extra to drive fast ~ to get me away ~ to get me closer to something good. 

I was late, as usual.  The last one on the plane, right before they closed the door.  Somehow, that seemed appropriate.  I slept for an hour, and dreamed away the colorless and cold hate of that Oakland morning ~ and walked out into the brightness and heat of the City of Angels.

~  ~  ~  ~

That night, he made time for me, but S. was there with us, too ~ stories and memories and plans and...Hope.   And I realized that even as B. helped S. face death, B. was bringing me back to life. 

Later, we were surrounded by music, dancing, stories, the opera singer from Tel Aviv, more musicians, the superstar from Africa and his lovely wife ~ the stories of his work in the West Bank, his day in Jenin sharing music with children.  He spoke softly but he was larger than life; his smile was as bright as Jupiter ~ and we were the charged particles within his orbit ~ his Galilean Moons.

~  ~  ~  ~

Everything that is lost on Earth is to be found on the Moon.
        ~ Orlando Furioso

The next night, we walked around the Hollywood Hills, lost in thought, "accidentally breaking into"  yards and innocently nodding our heads to the cop who drove by.  The Crescent Moon smiled down at us, its glow competing with the glare of the billboards and broken dreams down below on Sunset Boulevard.

Later, I would tell B that his loyalty, devotion, love, faith ~ his utter goodness ~ inspired me ~ that I wanted to be, simply, a star in his orbit.

That night, on that walk, though, I remembered that Orlando's unrequited love for Angelica drives him mad ~ furioso.  Astolfo has to fly to the Moon where everything lost on Earth is to be found....including Orlando's wits.  Astolfo gathers Orlando's wits into a bottle, and back on Earth he makes Orlando sniff them ~ regaining his sanity. 

I inhaled deeply, the cool night air warming my heart.

I exhaled ~ Madness.  Fury.  Frenzy.  I let Orlando Furioso float up to the Moon ~ and matched my steps to B's, next to me.

But before Orlando went mad, he was in Love.  Orlando Furioso is a continuation of Orlando's unfinished romance ~ Orlando Innamorato.  Unfinished.  Like that ball of clay I just put back in the Fire.  Like B., who takes up where Orlando ends ~with "ardent devotion to Love and Loyalty, shedding warmth and sunshine wherever the lapse of ages has rendered the legends colourless and cold."

~  ~  ~  ~

B.'s spirit has led me on an internal journey for weeks.  That musical night, his hand on the small of my back guided me through the crowd, through the night, and into daybreak.  And so, when I crawled into bed at 5:30 in the morning, as the sky was beginning to blush, I was over the moon ~ for the amazing people I had just met, for the unbelievable person who had been there all along, for my friends who waited up for me, worried that I was lost because I didn't call.  But I knew exactly where I was ~ I told B. where I had been and he told me where I need to be.

Sometimes angels appear at night ~ they are not poetry, nor metaphor, nor colorful ~

they are
simply real.

A una coqueta

My maternal grandparents, Samuel y Maria, live in a little trailer in Edinburgh, Texas.  Alone.  'uelito is 83, often seen wearing his cowboy hat, and 'uelita is 81.  They have been married 50+ years.  My grandmother broke her leg last week and I talked to her today, when my parents went to visit her.  Speaking with her, laughing with her, made me so unbelievably happy ~ the strength of her character and the lightness of her laughter wiped away weeks of weakness that have been weighing me down.  She is amazing.

The women in the family are all coquetas on the outside and profoundly strong on the inside ~ the men are macho on the outside and cariñoso softies on the inside.  All of us have a special, playful way of speaking to each other ~ we're never entirely serious ~ the gentle goading usually bundles up any serious words or worrisome thoughts and pushes them into corners of our minds, to be unwrapped later. So, my conversation with 'eulita about her fall and her broken leg went like this (in our informal version of Spanish, with the English translation down below):

Me:    Mire, señorita, qué, 'staba patinando otra vez?
'eulita:    [laughing] Bueno ya sabes....me gustan mis patines.
Me:   ¿Bueno, qué paso?
'uelita:    Ay mijita ~ la hice 81 años sin ninguna fractura ~ y mira.  Pero que hacer?  Así es la vida.  Pero vienes de material muy, muy fuerte mija.  No se to olvide.  Pero, si quiera aquí estan todos con migo.
Me:    Ay 'uelita, si quería atención no tenía que hacer todo eso!
'uelita:    [laughing] Bueno tu abuelo y tu papá andan comprando una tina para bañarme en el garaje, para dejarme toda perfumada.
Me:     Escándalosa!  Y la pierna?
'uelita:    Me tienen en un yeso, y me pusieron un tornillo y una barra.  Como tienes en tu espalda!
Me:    Somos las mujeres biónicas!
'uelita:    Ay mija, tengo muchas ganas de verte.

In English:

Me:   Look little lady, what, were you roller skating again?
Grandma:   [laughing] Well you know...I like my roller skates.
Me:    So, what happened?
Grandma:   Oh sweetie ~ I made it 81 years without any broken bones ~ and look what happens.  But what can you do?  That's life.  But you come from very, very sturdy stock sweetheart.  Don't forget that.  So, at least everyone is here with me.
Me:   Oh grandma!  If you wanted attention, you didn't have to do all that!
Grandma:   Well, your grandfather and your dad are out buying a basin to give me a bath in the garage, to leave me all dolled up.
Me:   You are scandalous!  What about your leg?
Grandma:   They have me in a cast, and they inserted a rod and screw.  Like what you have in your back!
Me:   We're the bionic women!
Grandma:   Oh sweetie.  I really want to see you.

I have written before about my grandmother's strength ~ she is also una coqueta linda, and I love her very much:

On the phone, my grandfather arrived, with the basin they were going to bathe her in. He still calls me "marisita," as if I was still 10.  He survived a cancer scare last year, and rarely leaves my grandmother's side ~ except maybe when he's cutting a rug:

I'm making plans to visit both sets of grandparents in August, in the stifling Texas heat which will surely be softened by the sparkle in my grandmother's eyes, my grandfather's quiet confianza, and their sunny laughter.  I hope to live such a long and loving life as they have; I hope to be as strong as they are ~ someday.  For now, I will let them fuss over me, as if I'm still 10, because even though I am the oldest grandchild in the bunch, I have always been their baby.  As proof, I leave you with the birthday card they sent me when I was 22 or 23, complete with sparkly stickers inside. ~ :).

 

once more, with feeling ~ redux

I never re-publish old posts ~ but once in a while I have an amazing day, or a disheartening day, and often an old post will ring true ~ again.  Sometimes I think that is a good thing ~ like keeping my emotions in check, or recognizing how I react to the same certain things, or, even better, realizing how often I have amazing days.  Other times I think it is awful ~ wondering whether I've been spinning my wheels in the mud for years, and still haven't learned my lesson(s).  I can't decide which category this week falls into ~ either way, good or bad, it has been eventful, enlightening, intriguing, and insightful.  And so, this old post, from December 2, 2004, still rings true ~ loud and clear.  The original post was written from a more dispirited perspective, after a particularly tough day ~ but the feeling I had after writing it was intensely positive.  Today perhaps I'm re-posting this from that positive perspective, but I'd sum it all up in exactly these words, in exactly this emotion ~ 1,268 days later ~ 30,456 hours of life lessons.  Back to square one?  Or 360-degrees back to the real me?  You tell me. ~

Mutts by Patrick McDonnell.

I've been told I eat my corn flakes with passion ~~ that I can talk to a tree with such fervor it'll reach out and hug me.  My past boyfriends always adored my "passion," until we had an argument and then they would simply castigate it as "irrational" and "emotional".  Me, I like my passion, crazy as it is sometimes...OK, it's often loud, sometimes disruptive, occasionally misguided ~ but never not true, never not profound, never false. Recently I was asked, "yes but aren't you just faking it?" when I expressed how deeply I felt about something; and that question cut through me like the double-edged sword on which Yin and Yang balance precipitously...deeply, emotionally...enlightening.  I've been cut down recently, the fire behind my passion has been doused with the doubtful waters of the disbelieving  ~~ last night's music and food and conversation was a bit like twine, wrapping itself around my damaged limbs, helping me hold it all together.....and so I remember that I love my passion ~ fueled by Mexican sensibility, tempered by  an Americanized sense, colored by clove and cinnamon emotions. 

If you feel passion about something, show it ~ shout it ~ share it.......and if for some reason something keeps you from feeling, or expressing, your passion, then mooch off someone else's passion until you can grow some of your own to share..... just don't cut down anyone else's passionate personality ~ our forest needs those kinds of trees.  In that comic strip up above, Earl is the lovable pup, who is always hanging out with his best friend....Mooch, the curious cat from next door.  If you can't be an Earl, be a Mooch ~ or maybe a Tom-Tom.

the good old days

Thank you to the very cool OaklandGoods for showing me the way to the wonderful online Oakland Collection at the Oakland Museum of California's website.  The Oakland collection includes over 7,000 objects, from as large as a fire engine to as small as a stone marble, and some amazing photographs of Oakland’s past, some dating back to the 19th century.  I love vintage photographs and I lost myself for over an hour learning more about Oakland's colorful history through sepia photographs, blue-tinted portraits, and cloudy black-and-white images.  The website also gave me a brief account of the birth of Oakland and my little neighborhood (aka No Sleep Til Brooklyn):

Oakland, as a city, was founded 150 years ago, in 1852. Initially it was a small village along what is now Broadway. In the following decades, the village grew to become a commercial center, especially after it became the western terminus of the first transcontinental railroad (1869). It grew still larger by annexation of Brooklyn (1872), Vernon Heights (1891), the area north to Berkeley (1897), and the area south to San Leandro (1909). In 1910, the visionary Mayor Mott founded the city’s first municipal museum, the Oakland Public Museum. As a cutting edge museum in 1910, it began to acquire the California Collections, which now, over 90 years later, number more than one million objects.

These are a few of my favorite things:

Playing for Keeps (1891)

Fashion model posing with a 1935 Packard 12 automobile
at the Lake Merritt Bandstand




Lake Merritt fireworks, Golden Gate International Exposition (1939)

How do you know you pissed off a Mathematician?

Note the Memo:

I don't know if this was real, but a friend forwarded it to me and I love it ~

the (mis)adventures of Snow Ninja

A few Tuesday's ago in March, deep in the soul-less darkness of a late-night Council meeting, a friend said to me, "Come snow camping with us this weekend!"  I thought I heard her say, "only a couple of miles to hike in," and "curl up around the wood burning stove."  It was late; I had a brutal cold; I was disoriented; I was unclear on the actual intersection of the concepts of "snow" and "camping."  So, I said "Yes." ~~~ I thought the weekend would look something like this:

The actual weekend was something like that photo ~ except without the cozy.....or the warmth.  Because it actually started and ended with hours of this:

Snow camping, it occurred to me too late, involves hours of trekking in the snow and wind to actually reach the mythical snow hut, where you imagine a cozy wood burning stove and plush pillows are waiting for you.  ~ But I am getting way ahead of myself ~ I need to back up, to explain how in the heck I found myself trekking through snow and wind and sleet and ice, on legs that felt like wet noodles after a few hours, wearing the most ridiculous outfit known to woman-kind.

So my two friends, who shall be known here as Mama Bear (MB) and Papa Bear (PB) (because they were so good to me), are really great outdoor enthusiasts.  PB, in fact, is an extreme climber, skier, hiker, biker, and all around scaler of tall mountains.  So I should have known that when he said, "Oh it's just a few miles," that what he really meant was, "You will experience many Into-Thin-Air moments and you will feel like you are near death for most of the trip."  He and his friends call this "Type-2" fun ~ you know, not real hilarious "Type-1" fun but the kind of fun that you don't know is fun, until well after the shock has worn off and you realized you survived; then, it's fun.  But I didn't remember all this when I said, "YES!" to their invitation.  I figured they said snow trekking, in snow shoes, not skiing ~  anyone can do THAT!  I was glad we weren't going to ski up the trail to the hut.

Because you see, I have really only been skiing once.  Years ago.  I was too cheap to pay for a lesson, so a friend, an expert skier, gave me a few tips, which mostly involved his shouting "just go pigeon-toed!"  I didn't fall too much during the quote-unquote lesson, so I put on a brave face and said, "Let's do it!  Let's hit my first run!" . . . . the bunny slope.  Woo-Hoo! 

It was my first time on a ski lift ~ and you know, those damn things move WAY too fast!  And how are you supposed to gracefully jump/slide/fall/slip off the lift at the summit?  I thought of all this as we went up, up, up the slope (OK, well, not too far up ~ it was the bunny slope after all).  On cue, I fell off the lift at the top of the bunny slope and ducked just in time before the chair bashed my head in.  Then, I tried to stand up boldly, as if I totally and completely meant to perform that acrobatic feat off the lift, but I had fallen down too close to the path of the lift ~ where it was pure ice, not snow.  Again, on cue, because I'm good for that, I started sliding, I mean skiing, down that run.  I was frantically waving my poles around, unsure how the hell to steer the damn skis.  I tried to avoid, and then purposefully hit, the perfect kids who were slaloming down the damn run.  I started gaining speed ~ TOO much speed ~ I got scared ~ I remembered that my friend told me that if I wasn't sure how to stop, that I should just DROP, just FALL into the gentle, soft, welcoming snow that will cushion your gentle descent. 

So, I did that ~ except (a) you should never really just FALL OVER when you're racing down the run at an ungodly speed, and (b) my skis DID NOT POP OFF.  Skis are supposed to pop off.  They are supposed to do that so they are not in your way when you fall, and perhaps start rolling.  Mine stayed on.  Which means that as I tumbled down the bunny slope, I looked like a shambles of a tumbleweed as the skis pummeled me while I rolled down the mountain, I mean, bunny slope.  And, because this was the bunny slope, and I was near the bottom, the chair lift was very close up above.  So, I could hear people, literally, shouting, "OOOOH!" and "OUCHHHH!" and "UGHHH!" as they watched me.  Roll.  Down. A Bunny Slope.

And then I came to a full stop.  At the bottom of the bunny slope.  Face down. In the snow.  With my skis still on.  And little kids zipped past me wearing ski outfits that cost more than my car. 

So, that was the only time I have ever been skiing.  Remember this, OK?

Now back to the story.  We drove to Lake Tahoe Friday night, to stay with friends and get a little acclimated to the altitude, since we would be climbing so much the next day.  The next morning, it finally occurred to me to ask what the plan was for hiking in ~ by then, at least I knew the hike in was *6* miles, not 2.  But I can do 6 miles, so I wasn't too worried.  I just wanted to know what trail we would take in.

"Well, you see," started PB ~ "here's the beauty of my plan: we are going to shave off the first two miles of the hike!"  GREAT, I thought.  Four miles will be NO problem!  What do we have to do?  So PB begins to explain: "Well you see, we're going to take the Mt. Lincoln Express to the summit behind Sugar Bowl...."

"Wait, the what?" I asked.  "What's the Lincoln Express?"

"The ski lift!  That way, the LIFT takes us up the first two miles!  Brilliant, right?!" . . . . I stared in silence.

Then he says, "Oh, but wait, there is just ONE CATCH." . . . . My silence gets louder.

"You see, you have to actually have skis or a snow board to get on the lift ~ they don't want people snowshoeing up there behind the closed area, so we do have to take boards and skis with us."

I disregarded momentarily the phrase, "closed area," and asked, "Wait; skis and boards AND snow shoes?  Where do we put all that?"

"Oh! We're just going to strap you into my snow board, and we'll tie the snow shoes to your back pack.  We'll take the lift, jump off at the summit, trek in a bit, and leave the snow boards under a tree somewhere until we return."

Seriously.  PB said all this with a straight face as he sipped coffee and munched on wheat toast with jelly.

All I could say was, "OK ~ I'm just a passenger on this bullet train to hell anyway."  And then we took off to Sugar Bowl.  Here I should note that I did not have snow boots ~ I had waterproof HIKING boots.  "No problem!" smiled PB ~ "we'll strap you in tight to the board."  I admitted I've never been on a snow board.  "Haven't you been on a skateboard?  It's the same thing!" ~ This did not help.

We arrived at Sugar Bowl, bought our lift tickets, and meandered up to the Mt. Lincoln Express lift.  I tried to delay strapping into the snow board as long as I could.  At the end of the line, with little old ladies and toddlers speeding past me doing handstands on their snow boards, PB and MB strapped me in, one foot only, and then instructed me to SHIMMY or SLIDE forward, kinda sideways.  LIKE A CRAB.  With snow shoes strapped to my backpack!  Oh yes people ~ this is as sexy as it gets. 

When we reached the front of the line, we saw HOW FAST the lift was swinging towards us.  "OH!" I thought ~ "THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE MT. LINCOLN EXPRESS!"  Oh yes, the altitude had made me slow, too. 

For now, let me show you the "Before" and "After" picture of preparing for the hike in ~ that is, Before having to suit up for the trek, and After shimmying into several layers of ninja-black fleece:

BEFORE ~ fresh-faced, naïve, unaware of what lay ahead.

AFTER ~ scared to death, I mean, ready to kick snow's ass.

 

TO BE CONTINUED ~ . . . . . .

 

no lazy mon here

I just finished the little translation gig I mentioned a few days ago ~ I translated campaign literature for a Green Party candidate outside of the Bay Area running for Congress.  It was fun ~ I really enjoy translating English to Spanish, especially phrases such as "Democrat/Republican cabal" and "clean sweep of Congress."  Technically, during that contract job, I was up to four jobs ~ my full-time policy job plus two others I won't even tell you about. 

Now that I'm back down to three jobs, I'm hustling for more translation or editing work ~ I feel like my Dad.  When I was growing up, my Dad always seemed to have 2-4 "entrepreneurial projects" going on ~ he always had his construction work, but then there was the used car dealership, the rental properties, a restaurant I think, and a few others I am probably forgetting.  My mom has always helped manage my father's businesses, but she's also always had her hand in various home business ventures, selling all sorts of "products for the home" to las vecinas y las comadres.  I grew up with boxes piled around the house, of merchandise from Stanley, Avon, and Tiara, to name few; and these days it's vitamin supplements which she swears will help you live to 100.  Bless her heart.

When I started college, I didn't really need a job because I had a scholarship and was living at home ~ but I had worked since I was 14 or 15, so I didn't really know how to be just a student.  I found a job at a chiropractic office, translating for Spanish-speaking patients and other office work.  Then, one of the patients, who was some VP at Smith Barney, asked to hire me for cold calls to companies in Mexico.  So, I would wake up around 5 am, work at Smith Barney from about 7 am to 9 am, go to class, then go work at the chiropractic office for a few hours after class.  In law school, even though you're not supposed to work in your 1L year, I kept managing the law office I had worked at for several years.  During my summer clerkships, I would clerk during the day and work at the old law office at night.  It was only partially for the money ~ mostly I didn't want to abandon my old boss and his busy practice.  These days, it's for the money.  ~

Over the years, my side jobs have run the gamut from portrait studio baby photographer to pet food pusher to box office girl at a gay night club to posing as a "businesswoman of color" in several ads for high-tech companies; someone called me once to say, "I'm at the airport, and, um, there's a huge poster of you with the words, 'The Revolution is Coming'."  How's that for varied experience?

When I hear someone talk about their one job, I laugh and think of that 'Hey Mon' episode on In Living Color where the daughter brings home a doctor and the family exclaims, "ONE job?!?  HOW will he support you!?!?"  So, as I begin my on-line search for another job # 4, I leave you with this hilarious 'Hey Mon Airlines' episode ~ it's brilliant.

Visions and Villains

A year or so ago, I began reading Azar Nafisi's Reading Lolita in Tehran, A Memoir in Books.  I didn't know anything about the book when I saw it, but I was immediately interested in it because it was about exploration of the works of some of my favorite writers: Vladimir Nabokov, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Henry James, and Jane Austen.  I also thought it would be an interesting way to learn more about the politics of Iran, the Iranian revolution, the Iran-Iraq war, etc.  Plus, the book was "free" because I bought two other books that day.

Initially, I was captivated by the writing ~ it was at moments vivid, intimate, uninhibited, and, in certain phrases, simply lovely.  But after a few chapters, I found I couldn't identify with Nafisi and her personal story ~ she seemed to me (from what little I read) to have lived quite a privileged life (her literary and political family, her life before the Revolution, as a professor, as a writer, and later her life in the States).  I couldn't get past the image I quickly created about her; and so I put the book down (actually, I complained loudly and tossed the book back on my bookshelf).

Recently, for some unknown reason, I decided to give the book another chance.  I told myself that I do appreciate the beautiful writing and that perhaps that appreciation would outweigh, or even enrich, whatever criticism I had of her personally.  I also read a little more about her and about the book, and various critiques of the book ~ for non-fiction I do generally like to have the "back story" on the writer and the narrative in general.  I learned more about the wholeness of the story before I went back to consider the particular morsels of the moments that sum up the story.

I reached the chapter where Nafisi discusses how upset one her students becomes when she hears the label the others have placed on her, how they define her ~ whereas one is a poet and another a painter, they sum her up as a "contradiction in terms."  And today at lunch, sitting out in the sun, this part stunned me in its stark reflection of my reality, at this moment in time:

The sun and clouds that defined Nassrin's infinite moods and temperaments were too intimate, too inseparable.  She lived by startling statements that she blurted out in a most awkward manner.  My girls all surprised me at one point or another, but she more than the rest.
~
In class, we were discussing the concept of the villain in the novel. ~~ Humbert, like most dictators, was interested only in his own vision of other people.  He had created the Lolita he desired, and he would not budge from that image.  I reminded them of Humbert's statement that he wished to stop time and keep Lolita forever on "an island of entranced time," a task undertaken only by Gods and poets.

And I sat there on the warm grass, lamenting the cold reality of the visions and villains in my own life ~ of someone creating an image of me so idealistic that there was no living up to it.  And when I failed, as anyone would have, the dark rigidity of the image would not bend to allow any new light into its corners.  The darkness of this helplessness ~ as someone else shapes the ball of clay that is You, and then destroys it, and then never lets you place a hand on re-centering and throwing the ball of clay back onto the wheel, to reshape it ~ it is blinding.

Years ago, through some freak accident, I suffered from Vertigo.  I felt like I was spinning and whirling, completely, for about a week.  Everything around me seemed like it was moving, but then so did I ~ it was like a double dose of a swift orbit ~ around me and within me.  And recently this feeling has surfaced for me not only in the three-dimensional world of my reality, but in the simulated two-dimensional Web 2.0 world: you present and perceive certain images ~ of yourself and of other people.  I see now that when the fluidity of cyberspace and your real personality are confronted by the rigidity of the zeros and ones of our computers...well, reality and flexibility and lucidity are lost ~ and so are you.

And all of these themes ~ control, betrayal of vision, fear, deception, loss ~ are beautifully portrayed in one of my favorite films: Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo.  I adore James Stewart ~ but I was struck more by a simple line uttered by Kim Novak, as Madeleine: Only one is a wanderer; two together are always going somewhere.

And that's all I thought about today at lunch ~

The trick is to just hold on ~

For the past several weeks, I have been sorting through countless boxes of the documentation of the past 10 years or so of my life.  I have been ruthless in sorting items into boxes marked for 'shredding', 'recycling', or 'Goodwill'.  Four boxes to the shredder, 10 boxes to Goodwill, and countless trips to the recycling bin.  There remains a small box of items I am cautiously keeping, for now.  One of those items is an envelope of photos of a weekend whitewater rafting trip I took years ago with 10-12 friends.  Through the magic of modern technology, and the nice guys at Ritz Camera, I was able to convert the film to digital, and now I may toss out the photos anyway.  But here I have the digital proof of the string of moments that made it all so memorable.

The memory of the trip is as vivid today as the roar of the rapids that weekend was deafening.  You can't really tell in the photo above, but we had an "all-chick" raft to take on Maytag, a Class V cascade on the north fork of the Yuba River.   As  you approach the bend in the river where Maytag lurks, you have to pull over and park your raft, then hike over some boulders to scout the rapid.  Maytag cascades violently down into an electric shock of white foam that you have to quickly navigate to either pull out into the eddy or get sucked into the next cascade, Son of Maytag, a Class IV rapid.

As we all parked our rafts and hiked over, we heard the roar of the rapids before we caught a glimpse of its brutal force.  Even before we reached the top of the boulder, some people were saying, "No way!"  Then, as we all stood shakily atop the slick slab of massive rock, the rest, in unison, said, "NO fucking way."  Maytag leered at us, spitting its foam up, daring us to get closer.

There was good reason for the resounding refusal of most of the group to even consider Maytag.  Earlier that morning, our raft had capsized in the raging river, swollen from the recent snow melt.  A massive wave pushed the front of the raft straight up into the sky and literally tossed everyone out...except for me.  Somehow, I had held onto the rope at the front ~ I was completely vertical as everyone else, including our guide, fell out; and then I came crashing down, face first into the raft.  When I peeked back up, I saw heads bobbing up from under the freezing water, their eyes full of confusion and fear ~ it all happened in a few seconds.  Someone's shoe floated by; I heard people in the other rafts shouting directions, but the words were drowned out by the wailing of the waves around me.  I grabbed a paddle as it floated by and scurried over towards the shore; then a friend's head bobbed up right beside me.  Somehow, I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into the damn raft ~ I have no idea how.  We made it to shore and we saw the others had reached the sides of the rushing river ~ lying back on rocks, panting and shaking. 

Because river rafting is such a clear metaphor for life ~ when you're deep in the middle of it, there's nothing to do except to get back in the damn raft and start again; the rapids only flow in one direction. 

Fear or no fear, there was no going back, and no one to pick us up midway through.  So, when we reached the boulders overlooking Maytag, many in the group had already been slapped around enough by the river.  Six of us, though, all women, stayed silent.  I don't think any of us looked at each other for reassurance, but almost all at once we said, "Let's do it."

My heart was pounding as we checked our gear and climbed back into the raft.  Our guide, a woman, told us to lean forward as much as we could, until we could almost fall out of the raft ~ to face the rapids head on, paddle furiously, and then hang on for dear life and DUCK into the raft at her signal.  She was amazing ~ shouting direction to us as the first rapid belted us back a few feet.  Then, as I felt the free-fall start, my heart soaring up into my throat, she screamed at us to duck ~ in perfect synchronicity we all turned in towards the center of the raft, and hung onto the rope as the raft did a nosedive into the foaming mouth of Maytag.

We slammed down, hard, into the center of the rapid, and immediately sat back out on the edges of the raft ~ to paddle furiously over to the eddy before getting sucked into Son of Maytag.  The roar of the rapids and my heart was deafening ~ but when we stopped moving, all I could hear was the cheering and clapping of our friends ~ standing tall at the top of the boulder above us.  And through the glossy glare of the sun and the water I could see also the satisfaction beaming brightly from the six of us who had climbed back into the raft.

And so I remember now ~ the trick is to hold on tightly and ride out the tumultuous tide.  With any luck, your friends will be on the other side cheering for you.

 

Social Capital ~ my only high yield investment

There’s more to wealth than just money. Social capital is as real as financial capital, and sometimes more valuable. ~ j.d. roth

Getting To Know My Money

Over the past few years I've learned the hard way about the need to bank my bliss ~ my attempts at sustaining a safe reserve in my emotional savings and loan association.  Unfortunately, deposits into my financial institutions have not been nearly as strong.  So, in recent months, for many reasons (not the least of which was Tax Day), I have been trying to master my money issues.  Let me tell you, with personal finances, ignorance is not bliss ~ and it's uncomfortable admitting it to anyone, anywhere ~ much less here.

The mountain of information was staggering and intimidating.  I had no idea where to begin (savings? stocks? mutual funds? IRA? what's the difference?).  Embarrassed by my financial illiteracy, and by the dismal return on my one request for help, I reached out to the anonymous, non-judgmental hero of information we all rely on ~ Google.  Thankfully, beyond all of the staid advice in the popular financial-self-help books, I found several very helpful, down-to-earth financial blogs, many of which serve as quasi-aggregators of the practical advice buried in the (expensive) get-rich books. ~ Thank you blogosphere!

I quickly became addicted to the Get Rich Slowly blog, although my goal is simply to pay down debt ~ no delusions of any sort of financial wealth.  I've taken the first few baby steps encouraged by the GRS blog; and I finally looked into the retirement fund that three+ years of government work has afforded me.  I was pleasantly surprised, relieved really, to discover how much of a nest egg I had built up without even trying (not from a high salary but from healthy contributions).  It's not a huge amount, but it's a safe start and much more than I would have ever saved had I tried on my own.  I've taken other steps, too; but I won't bore you with the details here ~ suffice to say it involves several side-jobs and eBay.  ;-)

All of this tortured explanation is to say that I have spent a lot of time recently (although late in life) learning the value of economic/financial capital.  Most of this anguished self-education has taken place alone ~ late at night, in libraries, or in my favorite tea houses.  Fortunately, Serendipity (in the form of a myriad of hyperlinks through a maze of money-management tips) led me to a December 2007 GRS article about the value of social capital.  To illustrate the concept of social capital, the article refers to one of my favorite movies of all-time, the very wonderful It's A Wonderful Life, and explains:

You generate social capital when you help your neighbor repair a fence, or have your Sunday School class over for barbeque, or join a bowling league. Any time you participate in the community, you are generating social capital, both for yourself, and for the other people involved. Individuals (and communities) with high levels of social capital are able to find help when they need it; those with low social capital can spend a lot of time frustrated and alone.

Getting To Know My Neighbors

Coming face to face with the cold, grim stare of my finances, however, nudged me quietly into the warm embrace of my social capital ~ that richness that revolves all around me in the many pockets of Oakland that claim me as an Oaklander. 

Saturday afternoon, after running a few too many errands on an empty stomach, I wanted to try out the super-cute new cafe (and their Blue Bottle Coffee!) at the bottom of my hill ~ Cafe 504.  I wasn't sure if they would be open, but when I drove up, there was a cute couple sitting outside in the sun, sipping coffee, smiling, chatting ~ so I walked in.  The owner  told me, though, that they had just closed ... because a water pipe under the street had burst and their kitchen was flooding.  Just then, "Chico," a sweet neighbor (and, apparently already a regular at the cafe) explained that two other businesses on that street were flooding, and that the pipe had burst several times over the years.  I told them I had the number to the Public Works Agency programmed in my cell phone...and added that I worked for the City so they wouldn't think I was a freak.  I called the PWA Call Center, but they were closed.  Luckily, I had the cell phone number to a Councilmember from another district, and she explained I should call the OPD non-emergency dispatch, who would transfer me to the Fire Department(!)  But when I finally reached the OFD, they explained that a fresh water pipe is controlled by EBMUD!  As I dialed yet another number, Chico said there was no way they would have known how to navigate through the morass of agencies to call.  In the midst of all this, the ladies from the old-school no-name hair salon next door and the laundromat on the corner wandered out onto the sidewalk and talked to Chico about the flooding.  Fortunately, EBMUD answered right away and the service vehicle was dispatched immediately ~ and Chico ran up to his house to get pictures of the other times the pipe had burst, to show the EBMUD tech. 

The point is, it took the teamwork of about six people to fix something in the neighborhood ~ and all the while that couple at the table outside quietly continued their caffeinated conversation.  Despite the mayhem and flooding, I felt an amazing sense of community ~ it was quite a memorable way to meet the owner, Jaime, and other neighbors; not to mention an elaborate way for the cafe to put together its 'emergency contact list'. 

I went inside to say goodbye to Jaime, since EBMUD was on its way.  Just then, Jaime's beautiful three little daughters came flying into the cafe, followed by their father.  It was so fun to see the whole family breathing life into the beautiful little oasis they had brought to our little street.  Then, for no reason at all, one of Jaime's daughters quietly walked over to me, and hugged me.  She only came up to my waist, so she wrapped her arms around my legs and pressed her head to my waist ~ I was overwhelmed.   She looked up at me with a smile.  Her blond hair literally glowed from the sunbeams streaming in through the windows, and the indigo color of her blouse was as profound as the deep blue oceans in her eyes ~ this little girl's smile felt like the sun washing over your face and the breeze cooling your toes as you lay in the grass. Overwhelming.  She silently hugged me again, and then ran off with her sisters. 

The owner and the Barista thanked me, and insisted I take a cup of coffee to go ~ I told them I wanted to come back as soon as they were open again (because that coffee was delicious!).  It's nice to know that I have a cafe only a block away, where everyone will know my name ~ I look forward to making Cafe 504 my own Oakland version of Cheers.

Walking The Walk

The coffee/flooding incident made me late for my 2 pm appointment ~ I had volunteered to meet at my boss's campaign office to campaign for her re-election, at local businesses up and down 20 blocks of Telegraph Avenue.  I still hadn't eaten anything all day, so I wasn't really looking forward to a two-mile city walk to discuss politics with people.

My partner, Reza, and I set out from the Plaza to the first business at 17th and Telegraph Avenue: Wigs by Tiffany.  The store was amazing!  It was huge, and mannequin heads with wigs of all shapes, sizes, and colors were displayed on shelves reaching up to the ceiling; there were hundreds of white foam heads with mysterious eyes and pouty lips, neatly lined up like floating soldierettes, staring at us as we wandered into the store.  We stumbled through our campaign pitch to Tiffany herself and, thankfully, she took a sign to put in her window. 

Having quickly found success, Reza and I confidently set out on our journey ~ a mile up Telegraph to 34th Street and then back down the other side of Telegraph.   We had the most amazing three hours, finding little gems (even the ones that are rough around the edges) all along Telegraph Avenue.  I discovered that McB's Shoes at 17th Street really has a large selection of nice dress shoes, kickin' boots, and hip handbags.  Because their windows are partially tinted, it seems it would be hard for the store to get noticed by drivers zipping through the intersection; but the store was very busy when we walked in.  Within minutes I was really glad I was out walking in a tiny portion of our District, actually meeting the business owners I usually assist by telephone (my Boss and another staff member are usually the ones who meet constituents in person).  In fact, when I introduced myself to some of the merchants, they recognized my name or said they had spoken to me by phone ~ and then the conversation would lengthen, deepen, to specific concerns of each business.  At the end of the day, I had a long list of issues to research for several of the merchants ~ but I also had a wealth of unique information about each business.

At Lam-Toro, the wonderful West African restaurant near 25th, Mamadou asked us how he could get information about business micro-loans.  At the Rock Paper Scissors Art Collective, they accepted our sign but explained the Collective would have to vote on Monday to decide whether they can place it in the window.  At Mama Buzz Cafe, the hipsterette behind the counter with the buzzed haircut said yes to the sign and then ignored us as I held the chair on which Reza balanced precariously while he tried to tack the sign into the wall. 

When we walked into Bibliomania, at 18th Street, we were greeted by the comforting, dusty 'used bookstore smell'.  I love the smell of used bookstores ~ not only of the story itself, but the history of the book...where its been, whose read it, whose loved it, how many places its been through.  I sometimes buy used books which have been highlighted or otherwise marked up ~ personal notes in the margin, underlining in sections the past reader found important ~ and I love that about used books ~ the tiny glimpse I get into the thoughts of the person who read the book before me.  All of those thoughts whirled around me as we stepped inside and the gray-haired husband-wife owners greeted us.

Reza and I took turns making the pitch, and we received more Yeses than Noes.  As we walked along we also got to know each other.  Reza told me he was born in Canada, then moved to the States, then spent a year in Iran, and back to the States again.  When I asked him how his parents ended up in Albany, Ca, he explained: "My dad lived in the States, then he went to Iran to get a wife, and came back."  I laughed and said he made it sound so simple.  We both talked about speaking Farsi and Spanish at home, about our families, and a little politics.

When we reached the Marwa Halal Market at 30th Street, on 'Oakland's Butcher Block', Reza made the pitch completely in Farsi to the Afghan owner.  The owner didn't know very much about my Boss, so we showed him a picture.  A woman who was at the counter said, "Oh I know her.  She helped me with my literacy tutoring, at Second Start."  And that's how we turned the discussion to my boss's commitment to literacy ~ we couldn't have asked for a better real-life example. 

I began to notice that at nearly every business we went into, friends and neighbors were gathered around, talking and spending time together.  The exchange of social capital was taking place at least as much as, or in some cases, more than, the exchange of financial capital.

At the River Nile Market, next to Halal Meat and Produce, the beautiful young man behind the counter sat and talked with two of his friends ~ and let us place a campaign sign in his window.  He asked me, genuinely concerned but in a hip/tough kind of way:"Is it true Oakland is going to turn into the next Emeryville?"   At Prime Communications, the small wireless store next to Marwa Halal, three older African-American men sat in folding chairs and exchanged stories.  At the Korean beauty store near 27th Street, three older women sat around a tiny table having tea over animated discussion.  At nearly every one of the dozen or so nail shops we entered, families gathered around, waiting for the one getting her nails done.  The chatter mixed with the chemical fumes was dizzying.

On Telegraph Avenue, Ethiopian spices are being sold next door to Afghan breads next door to kosher meat and seafood next door to nag champa and shea butter next door to Cajun seafood (where super burritos also happen to be offered).  Sprinkled along the Avenue are also the cd's, videos, and body oils sold at House of Soul; the wildly busy market at Koreana Plaza; African art, clothing, and jewelery at Sami African Imports ~ all tucked in between the empty retail spaces we still need desperately to fill.

The day was topped off by a leisurely, amazing meal at Lam-Toro and two glasses of their delicious Bissap ~ where family members of the owner or employees gathered in the corner lounge by the window, and we all laughed as their toddler ran around, stumbling and giggling.  All of this was the Oakland I adore ~ I felt like my entire day was a huge investment in my portfolio of social capital ~ I hope you'll invest, too. ~ :)

The Poetry of Silence

Years ago, I somehow wrote a post about my version of The Function of Art.  Today, I learned a little about the function of poetry.

From today's edition of The World:
        The Politics of Poetry

Another art form is under scrutiny from another group of arbiters of taste.  In Britain, the Queen's English Society says it's fed up with modern poetry.  These guardians of the English language say it's not a poem if it doesn't have rhyme or meter.  That's open to debate.  Which leads us to ask: what is a poem?  The World's Alex Gallafent has the answer, or rather, the answers:

Sometimes a poem is an ode to love by Pablo Neruda or some nonsense verse by Lewis Carroll.  It could be a sonnet from Shakespeare or a howl from Ginsburg.  It can be all these things and more.  So, sure we could talk about the rules of poetry, whatever they might be.  But instead let's consider the function of poetry.

Remember Terry Waite?  He was one of the hostages held in Beirut. Well after his release, Waite wrote a poem:

Yesterday is with you now
the same train
the same grandmother
the same forefathers
now you may cry the bitter tears of anguish
now you may howl with the primitive howl of a lost soul
now you may embrace
forever

Now, you may like Terry Waite's poetry; you may not.  But it's a good guess that writing it had value for Mr. Waite.

Poetry can also hold value for communities.  The British poet Simon Armitage wrote this poem three months after September 11th:

Here is an architecture of air.
Where dust is cleared,
nothing stands but free sky, unlimited and sheer

Smoke's dark bruise
has paled, soothed ...

[Mr. Armitage] "There seems to be an urge to communicate through poetry and poetry has always had some kind of responsibility right down the edges.  Every now and again, the moment seems right to put things down in words."

So, poetry can be some kind of record - a detailed snapshot in language.  And it doesn't have to come from full-time professional poets.  Take for example Malaysian lawyer Cecil Rajendra : when he's not practicing law, he's practicing his poetry and he enjoys it: "The language of law is very ossified and stilted language, whereas in poetry, the language is more creative - it's more dynamic."

Here's part of Rajendra's poem, Apologies to the Trees:

...if only politicians were trees
think how our budgets and diets would be balanced
their fruit, flower, roots, and leaves could give such rich sustenance
and what a bonus it would be
if we the constituents could hack them down each time they became a nuisance
if only
politicians were trees...

[Now, you may like Mr. Rajendra's poem; you may not ~ but if you have never heard of Cecil Rajendra, I urge you to read more about this fascinating social justice lawyer-slash-political poet.]

. . .[Finally], all poets ... should listen to this wisdom from the late Mexican poet Octavio Paz:

....al poeta lo conocemos tanto por sus palabras como por sus silencios. Desde el principio el poeta sabe, obscuramente, que el silencio es inseparable de la palabra....

...poets are known both for their words and their silences.  From the beginning the poet knows that silence is inseparable from the word....

Good advice for poets and politicians.

[Note: I didn't transcribe the entire report.  There are two more poems included, and you can listen to the entire 4+ minute report, here or other stories from The World, here.  The lovely image is by Edric Hsu.]

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In 2005, Waite gave a lecture in Maadi, Egypt about his experiences in solitary confinement for four years in Beirut.  The title of his lecture was 'Survival in Solitude'.  Waite described his survival technique, of having to learn to live from within:

As Waite saw his physical body disintegrate he knew he had to learn to live from within. In his mind he ‘wrote’ poetry and thought of books he knew well. He used the language of his mind to create harmony in his soul. Your whole life is in your head, really; you cannot see, hear, think, talk, etc., without your mind. Therefore, you must use creative imagination to keep your soul going, but you must also discipline the mind so that it doesn’t run away from you and think of the worst possible scenario. Also, he said it is important for everyone, at some point in life, to be self-centered; not to be selfish, but to know the self. When you do this, you realize the dark side of your self along with the light side, and you must face it. You cannot focus on obliterating the darkness, but rather embrace your humanness and heighten your lightness for the world.

And so, I remain primarily silent ~ nothing much here tonight is original thought; you can hear it and read it on the Internet (and I really hope you click on some or all of the links when you have time).  I want only to share with you a little of what I heard today ~ a little food for thought in case, like me, you didn't have dinner; a snippet of what ran through my thoughts today and continues to mill about my mind as the northern California wind boldly howls outside, rattling the window panes as forcefully as it thunders through my thoughts ~ and this moment seemed right to put into words ~ so that, without speaking, without meeting, without knowing ... we share something.

Give the Butterflies a Break

From today's edition of The World:

It's about 180 miles as the crow flies...the purple crow butterfly, that is.  One hundred and eighty miles is the length of the annual migration of purple crow butterflies through Taiwan.  The purple crow butterfly has a much shorter trip than its migrating North American relative, the monarch butterfly; still, it's not an easy journey.  The purple crow butterflies fly along busy roads where they can get sucked into traffic.  So, Taiwanese authorities have taken to closing parts of the highway to give the butterflies a break.

Caroline Gluck reports from National Freeway No. 3, "the front line in the battle to try to protect the butterflies."  This is the second year running that the National Freeway authorities have taken measures to try to protect the butterflies from  being crushed or killed by traffic as they make their annual migration from southern Taiwan to the north where they go to lay their eggs.  The measures are costing around 83,000 U.S. dollars, but the Director General of the Taiwan area National Freeway Bureau says it is money well spent, for this special creature.

When the number of purple crow butterflies reaches more than 500 per minute, authorities will close a section about one mile long along the outer lane of the freeway.  They will also set up 13-foot safety nets, fencing in part of the outer lane to encourage the butterflies to fly high above the traffic.  And, hundreds of new trees have been planted along the highway to serve as butterfly rest areas.

When Ms. Gluck traveled to a farm about 12 miles from the highway, thousands of the butterflies were taking nectar in the woods, gathering strength before they continue on their long journey.  The purple crow butterflies are highly sensitive to cloudy or cool temperatures; they won't move on until the weather conditions are just right.

Someone once told me, through a random thought, que la belleza aparece sin avisar.  Thank you Taiwan, for protecting your mari-posas.  San Francisco knows this is important too, especially in Yerba Buena Gardens:

If you know me, you'll understand this post.  But even if you don't, please remember to protect your personal butterflies~ that person who makes you feel butterflies in your soul ~ whomever and wherever they may be ~

And on that note, I give you these notes ~ an ode to maripositas everywhere ~ the sexy, the scandalous, and the sweet ~

Mariposa en Havana ~ Si*Sé

Mariposa Tracionera ~ Maná

Mariposita ~ Alberto Marino

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it's the little things

You work day in and day out with the same people; celebrating one, then two, birthdays within the same walls ~ they start to feel like family, especially during those 14+ hour days when you (have to) have dinner together in the office, preparing for the big meeting, sometimes bickering over your political positions as you pass the potatoes, often laughing together as you compare gossip, lightening the day's mood before it gets singed by the night's fiery rhetoric. 

It all starts to become a blur, it seems like everyone is wearing the same suit, or same colors, every week ~ or like nothing changes, despite the chaos around you.  So, it feels like they don't, or won't or can't, notice little things about you that seep in under your skin like shadows under a door ~ the shift in your shoulders as the days wear on, the dulling of the spark in your eyes as you wither under the weight of a silent avalanche of emotion.  You work quietly and think no one notices anything about you.  Just your work.

And then one day someone walks in and, from several feet away, exclaims, "You're wearing earrings!  You never wear earrings!"  And later, someone else notices, too.  And the tiny studs are a big deal because you never, ever wear any jewelry except a thin silver chain around your neck ~ and no one has ever asked why you just wear that chain and nothing else.  And the moment is momentous because you realize you have been noticed.  When all this time, you thought you were quietly hiding out in the open.

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Me, I never wear jewelry ~ save for that special chain.  I've never felt comfortable in earrings because I feel like they 'call too much attention'.  I wish I could wear them confidently like others (men and women), changing them to match my moods.   Apparently, my mother and grandmother thought I would be the type, because I hear they pierced my ears on the front porch when I was a toddler, with a sewing needle.  But years ago, as a teenager, I guess I decided I would like to walk past you and have you notice the sparkle in my smile, not the glint of metal dangling from my ear.  Maybe that's what happened ~ a strong rejection of style and peer pressure, to proclaim my individuality ~ of naked ears.

Oh, I've tried over the years ~ I've bought fancy, dangling, beautiful earrings ~ but when I look in the mirror, it is not me.  A little (or a lot of) lipgloss, yes ~ but a shiny shout of personality dancing around the nape of my neck?  No.  Years ago, a boyfriend was pleasantly surprised, even grateful, for my disinterest in jewelry ~ cheap date and easy to impress, it seems.  But I am interested; I secretly covet certain gems ~ I just don't want them, and wouldn't know how to wear them anyway.   Besides, the guilt over diamonds would take all the fun out of it. 

And so, much of the experimental jewelery I have bought for myself sits in little trays on an antique dresser in my bedroom ~ a collection of colorful little eyes that watch me walk by every morning without touching them.  Waiting every day to be noticed ~ I know that feeling.

But this morning, for no reason, I picked up a pair.  Sometimes I really do do things for no reason at all.  Ask around ~ it's true.  ~ As usual, I was late to work.  The unruly curls went unwashed so I scooped them up like a single-dip cone of Haagen Dazs dark chocolate ice cream ~ and stuck a pin in 'em.  Then, without explanation, and as if I had been doing it every morning for years, I grabbed two tiny blue pearl-like earrings and pinned them to my ears as I walked out the door.  I felt like such a girl ~ I didn't know how to feel about that.

So, I thought no one would notice the little studs ~ or that no one would notice that I never wear jewelry.  But a few people did.  And it was startling, but also a little comforting, to realize people do notice you ~ notice things about you, or habits you have ~ that you don't even realize seep into people's subconsciousness. 

And so of course, it made me wonder what other little things people notice ~ especially all of the little things I try to hide.  And it made me think about what I notice in other people ~ the quiet little things they do or don't do, that speak volumes about them. 

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I like to watch people in my favorite local tea shops ~ friends and couples and people sitting alone ~ the secret body language between lovers, the comforting slouching among friends, the way the loner dangles the pencil between his lips as he ponders over which profound statement to scribble in his journal that day.

What do you think?  What little things, or changes from the ordinary, do you notice in the people around you ~ the ones who have been around you for years ~ what new thing will you notice about them today?  Will you smile slyly, content in being a part of their secret?  Will you miss it because you are blinded by the banality of seeing them every day?  Will you notice if they notice a subtle change about you today?

I'm just asking ~ It's 3:00 in the morning ~ I just worked a 14-hour day ~ I was pulled over by a police officer on my way home from work, at 11 pm, and had to hope he would believe my explanation about the registration tags ~ really, tonight of all nights did that have to happen?  And I have to be back in the office in six hours ~ but maybe I'll wear earrings again, a different pair ~ just to see what happens ~ ~ ;-)