A few years ago, in the sweltering heat of the Central Valley Summer, I was zipping along Highway 5, driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles, when the discussion I was having with my friend and car-mate turned into an argument. As we sped past cow pastures and In-n-Out Burger locations (yes, I note the irony), our argument turned into a tortured swim in the river Styx in the Fifth Ring of Dante's Inferno. Whatever I tried to say to my friend, he would throw back at me, in a twisted manner so that it related to him ~~ imagine telling someone that you are going to law school and they respond by saying, "Well, I went to law school and it was awful for me so you shouldn't go," or telling someone you bought a new pair of Jimmy Choos and that person responding, "Wow, those shoes hurt my feet so you shouldn't buy them." Whatever, you get the point. After a while, I don't know what came over me, but I blurted out,
I'm just gonna call you Overhead 'cuz all you do is project, Project, PROJECT!
We sat in stunned silence for a minute, as the scenery whizzed past us.....and then burst into laughter.
I learned two things.........
(1) never, ever, under any circumstances, get into an argument with a loved one when you are trapped in a car in the middle of nowhere ~~ the repercussions, at least for one of you who doesn't own the car, can be bad, very bad; (2) when you try to identify with someone's issue or problem, DON'T PROJECT YOUR OWN ANGST INTO THE ADVICE YOU DOLE OUT.
Lately, I am juggling some major, major transitions in my life ~~ they are exciting, challenging, scary, and encompass every aspect of my life ~~ professional, personal, academic, community. I just spent an hour on the phone with my friend Alegría, inundating her with a deluge of my angst-ridden insecurities around these issues. Ale drew parallels in her own life and then uttered the most wonderful words to me: "But I don't want to tell you what to do ...." Ahhh, a breath of fresh air. So often, when a loved one confides a problem to us, our knee-jerk reaction (in a noble attempt to empathize and relate) is to compare their own experiences with yours, and then tell you what to do based on what they did. If you aren't cognizant of your own, unique thought-processes, it's easy to be complacent and just do what people tell you. Ok, don't.
My best friends in law school were like great like that. They doled out the advice like hipper, stronger versions of "Dear Abby" ~ but when I chose not to take their advice, they did not keep beating a dead horse ~ they did not say "I told you so" ~ they did not repeat the same advice. They supported my decisions, whatever they may have been (from disastrous shoes to disastrous boyfriends), unless my actions created an imminent danger or threat to someone else's safety (I mean, we're all lawyers here, right?).
Ai, I'll leave it at that. For now, I should ponder further the helpful, healthy, non-projective advice Ale gave me........which, in an earlier email, included this Cherokee wisdom:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One is evil ~ he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good ~ he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."
The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said, and then asked, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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