If you happen to love the theater, like I do, but you happen to scrape by paycheck-to-paycheck, like I do, then you get creative on how you satisfy your passion for performance, your adoration of acting . . . you might, for example, volunteer to usher at a local theater so you can see the hottest new play for free. So, tonight, after work, I drove for an hour in pouring rain, across the slick span of the Bay Bridge, dodging detours on rain-soaked San Francisco city streets, to the Magic Theater at Fort Mason ~ ~ in hot pursuit of Adriano Shaplin's latest play, The Pugilist Specialist, which opened on December 1 ~ I was dying to learn more about this 25-year-old "wunder-kid they call a cross between Miller and Mamet". I have been a volunteer usher before and always enjoy the simple job of handing out programs to strangers and parroting, "Enjoy The Show!" People smile back at you and thank you for delivering a fun evening to them ~ now, that's my kind of job . . . the grantor of theatrical enjoyment.
When I arrived at the Magic tonight, the House Manager told me that I would be the only usher ~ um, SUPERSTAR may be the phrase I used, although she may have simply said, "yeah, just you." So, I received a sort-of "volunteer promotion" to . . . the CONCESSION STAND! Now, you may laugh, but if you have never worked in the food-service industry (like me), and if you are thus not accustomed to the mountains of information you must memorize (like, say your menu), then the following jumble of words may be what the instructions tonight would have sounded to you (which is to say, me):
"So...(big breath)...everything is two dollars except for the things that aren't like the wine which is five dollars and the brownies which are three dollars oh and the truffles which are a dollar and the beer which is four dollars but when in doubt charge two dollars there are six kinds of cookies oatmeal-raisin almond/coconut dipped in chocolate the peanut peanut-butter-cup chocolate-chip macadamia with white chocolate and toffee-crunch now there are four kinds of truffles macadamia-nut all-dark-chocolate raspberry and the Grand Marnier oh and four kinds of chocolate bars and some have nuts which might be a problem for allergy sufferers so make sure people know if there are nuts in anything they buy we have Sam Adams Pale Ale and bottled water and three kinds of carbonated water Aranciata Limonata and Pellegrino and coffee refills are free oh and the complete play is sold in book form for five dollars and don't forget to use the white wine glasses for the white wine and the red wine glasses for the red wine so we can get an accurate count of concessions sold after the play ~~ {big breath} ~~ so that's it, you got all that ok?"
ME: {Gulp.} Um, oh sure, of course. EASY. Great. Yes of course you may go work the door and I will be just FINE here. Alone. With money to count. And change to make. And Pellegrino to peddle. Oh look . . . {deer in headlights stare} Here come some customers . . . What can I get you folks?
So, while most people were home relaxing after a long day at work, maybe flipping through the T.V., maybe enjoying some music and a glass of wine . . . I was serving wine, trying not to spill it on myself, trying to do math while standing . . . in heels . . . let's see . . . two glasses of wine and one candybar . . no? a truffle instead? Oh sure . . . wait, do I carry the one and take the square root of the panic multiplying in my head?
Oh don't worry ~ I did great ~ it was fantastic fun AND I made like $3 in tips! Enough to cover the bridge toll . . . except, um, I didn't get to keep the tips . . . I guess I donated my tips to the non-profit theater and, well that was OK because the toll taker got down on one knee and asked me to marry him (for real ~ totally made me smile and made my night) and I got the bottled water for half-off so, well, hmmm, OK, actually I LOST money tonight . . . but damn the play was amazing, as I experienced it from the aisle seat of the second row, spitting distance from the glare of Adriano himself, as he played out the vile Lt. Freud.
The play is about three marines preparing for a secret assassination ~~ that the "Communication Specialist" rarely speaks and appears physically uncomfortable with expressing emotion is but one of the brilliant elements in this play. As the Chronicle theater critic wrote, " 'Pugilist' is an incisive and allusive critique of American military values, ranging from a pervasive disregard for international law and arcane perversions of language ("Victory forgives dishonesty," the soldiers reassure each other) to the use of female soldiers as media symbols (with unsettling echoes of the manipulation of the Jessica Lynch story)."
The lone female in the ensemble, Lt. Stein, opens the play as a fierce soldier and stoic ethicist, more annoyed than broken by the rampant sexual harassment . . . "Secrets are my armor. Silence is my camouflage." And so begins the sparring, the quick-paced wicked word-play the three marines and their Colonel toss around like glittery grammatical grenades ~~ from the moment Lt. Stein asks, "Are we to expect any international or domestic backlash against a clandestine political assassination," to the moment Lt. Freud, the sniper, expresses his loyalty to the Mission: "Sir, our true interests are for you to know and me to fire at the target. I'd rather not share a pillow with the public good."
The play touches on exploitation, passions diluting military focus, empathy, feminism, masculinity, language, communication . . . and a strange deconstruction of ~~ pork hot dogs and apple pie. The final ten minutes are intense, full of suspense . . . and an eerie famililarity.
Ultimately, one of the greatest lines in the play is, "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
I hope you didn't have to wear one of those dorky vests. I used to volunteer as an usher too (Geffen Theater, affiliated with UCLA in Westwood) and it was great because the plays were really interesting. But damn, those vests made me feel like such a dork.
Posted by: Quyen | Thursday, December 09, 2004 at 01:24 AM