it's the little things

You work day in and day out with the same people; celebrating one, then two, birthdays within the same walls ~ they start to feel like family, especially during those 14+ hour days when you (have to) have dinner together in the office, preparing for the big meeting, sometimes bickering over your political positions as you pass the potatoes, often laughing together as you compare gossip, lightening the day's mood before it gets singed by the night's fiery rhetoric. 

It all starts to become a blur, it seems like everyone is wearing the same suit, or same colors, every week ~ or like nothing changes, despite the chaos around you.  So, it feels like they don't, or won't or can't, notice little things about you that seep in under your skin like shadows under a door ~ the shift in your shoulders as the days wear on, the dulling of the spark in your eyes as you wither under the weight of a silent avalanche of emotion.  You work quietly and think no one notices anything about you.  Just your work.

And then one day someone walks in and, from several feet away, exclaims, "You're wearing earrings!  You never wear earrings!"  And later, someone else notices, too.  And the tiny studs are a big deal because you never, ever wear any jewelry except a thin silver chain around your neck ~ and no one has ever asked why you just wear that chain and nothing else.  And the moment is momentous because you realize you have been noticed.  When all this time, you thought you were quietly hiding out in the open.

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Me, I never wear jewelry ~ save for that special chain.  I've never felt comfortable in earrings because I feel like they 'call too much attention'.  I wish I could wear them confidently like others (men and women), changing them to match my moods.   Apparently, my mother and grandmother thought I would be the type, because I hear they pierced my ears on the front porch when I was a toddler, with a sewing needle.  But years ago, as a teenager, I guess I decided I would like to walk past you and have you notice the sparkle in my smile, not the glint of metal dangling from my ear.  Maybe that's what happened ~ a strong rejection of style and peer pressure, to proclaim my individuality ~ of naked ears.

Oh, I've tried over the years ~ I've bought fancy, dangling, beautiful earrings ~ but when I look in the mirror, it is not me.  A little (or a lot of) lipgloss, yes ~ but a shiny shout of personality dancing around the nape of my neck?  No.  Years ago, a boyfriend was pleasantly surprised, even grateful, for my disinterest in jewelry ~ cheap date and easy to impress, it seems.  But I am interested; I secretly covet certain gems ~ I just don't want them, and wouldn't know how to wear them anyway.   Besides, the guilt over diamonds would take all the fun out of it. 

And so, much of the experimental jewelery I have bought for myself sits in little trays on an antique dresser in my bedroom ~ a collection of colorful little eyes that watch me walk by every morning without touching them.  Waiting every day to be noticed ~ I know that feeling.

But this morning, for no reason, I picked up a pair.  Sometimes I really do do things for no reason at all.  Ask around ~ it's true.  ~ As usual, I was late to work.  The unruly curls went unwashed so I scooped them up like a single-dip cone of Haagen Dazs dark chocolate ice cream ~ and stuck a pin in 'em.  Then, without explanation, and as if I had been doing it every morning for years, I grabbed two tiny blue pearl-like earrings and pinned them to my ears as I walked out the door.  I felt like such a girl ~ I didn't know how to feel about that.

So, I thought no one would notice the little studs ~ or that no one would notice that I never wear jewelry.  But a few people did.  And it was startling, but also a little comforting, to realize people do notice you ~ notice things about you, or habits you have ~ that you don't even realize seep into people's subconsciousness. 

And so of course, it made me wonder what other little things people notice ~ especially all of the little things I try to hide.  And it made me think about what I notice in other people ~ the quiet little things they do or don't do, that speak volumes about them. 

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I like to watch people in my favorite local tea shops ~ friends and couples and people sitting alone ~ the secret body language between lovers, the comforting slouching among friends, the way the loner dangles the pencil between his lips as he ponders over which profound statement to scribble in his journal that day.

What do you think?  What little things, or changes from the ordinary, do you notice in the people around you ~ the ones who have been around you for years ~ what new thing will you notice about them today?  Will you smile slyly, content in being a part of their secret?  Will you miss it because you are blinded by the banality of seeing them every day?  Will you notice if they notice a subtle change about you today?

I'm just asking ~ It's 3:00 in the morning ~ I just worked a 14-hour day ~ I was pulled over by a police officer on my way home from work, at 11 pm, and had to hope he would believe my explanation about the registration tags ~ really, tonight of all nights did that have to happen?  And I have to be back in the office in six hours ~ but maybe I'll wear earrings again, a different pair ~ just to see what happens ~ ~ ;-)

Comments

[Kelly]

I think the earrings (and you) look lovely!
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On the flip side to this, I have felt at times that I have been observed too much and have to be careful about how I look when I am in certain settings.

My second "job" is at our religious school. I have this 2nd job not for the $ but because no one else wants to give up their free time and someone has to do it. I am often exhausted from work or am thinking about a multitude of things when I am at this job. Sometimes I am sick because I don't allow myself to get sick during the work week!

If I don't always have a big happy face on and have my clothes just so people will come up to me and ask what is wrong. I have even had someone ask me if they did something to make me upset with them because they thought I was mad at them because I didn't greet them or smile wide enough. It got to the point that I was getting a bit paranoid about the way I was presenting myself to others. In this situation, I long for anonymity.

[cindylu]

I'm not sure if I notice the little things, but I do notice when people make changes to their hair or facial hair (especially with men).